When you find yourself without any computer it can be a royal bitch. At first there is a lot of gnashing of teeth and the shakes to deal with but eventually you adapt and find this weird little thing called a life.  Did you all know this existed?! Why hasn't anyone told me about this? Why am I always the last to know?! Anyway, a life can be found by doing some of the following: (Warning! If you don't have a life and choose to do some of the following for yourself, do so slowly and work your way up. Too much life, too fast causes feelings of euphoria, and extreme happiness. Also, it can causes bloating and gas, so be cautious!)

Reading. Do you know some people took the time to write a story, print it all out on sheets of paper, and bind them together in something called books?! Way awesome. It requires no URL whatsoever to read one, either.

Go visit people. Did you all know that all those cutesy screen names that you email everyday are actually real live people?! They have heads and bodies and everything. You can actually leave your house, drive to their house, and visit with them in real life. Amazing.

Go outside. Be warned here all you pasty white computer junkies! There is this super bright shiny thing in the sky. Don't be alarmed, that is the sun. It is full of vitamin D and natural antidepressants. Remove your shirt and stand in it for 15 mins. Men only please, my neighbors got really pissed off when I did that. It will make you feel all happy and centered.

Knit. Yes, I know. My age is showing here, but my daughter got a knitting kit thingy for her birthday and I made a hat. With my own two hands. I also made earrings once. You can substitute any craft you enjoy here in place of knitting.

Shop. Did you all know there are actual buildings in the world that sell stuff to you and these are called stores? I forgot. I had gotten so used to buying everything on Ebay, or Overstock.com. But you can physically walk around inside of them and there are tons of people there doing the same things! People! Real live people! Who knew?

Play a musical instrument. Did you know that all that music you download from itunes got there by someone actually physically picking up an instrument and strumming it, or blowing into it, or hitting it with a stick? And really, who doesn't enjoy hitting things with sticks?

Go see a movie. (I recommend Superbad.) You know all those movies you watch online can actually be done by driving yourself to this place called a movie theatre and sitting in front of a huge screen where you can eat popcorn and drink soda's? A lot of people do it, actually. What a great idea.

Go to the park. Did you know that in every state they have these things called state parks which is where all the nature hangs out? If you go to one of these you can see real live animals in their natural habitat and a bunch of flowers and trees. You can walk around for hours and soak up more of that sunshine I told you about. How trippy is that?

Go out to eat. I can't believe how popular this activity is. All you need is friends, family and hunger. You go in, sit down, and tell them what you want and they bring it to you. Who would have thought a store where all they sell is cooked food would be such a big hit with the masses?

Talk to your kids. You know kids, right? Those annoying little people who always whine "Is it my turn on the computer yet?" are actually little miniature you's who have really cool thoughts and ideas. They are like little people! Real live little people! And they can be funny, and dramatic, and interesting, and annoying all at the same time. The best thing about kids is you never know what you are going to get one minute to the next. They are like little surprise ticking time bombs of fun and frustration. And who doesn't like surprises?

Have your kids invite their friends over for visits and slumber parties. It is a lot like talking to your kids only better because you can send them home when they act like asshole. Plus, it really is neat to watch your miniature clones interact with other people's miniature clones. You can learn the best stuff this way.

Play board games. Remember board games from your childhood? Remember playing cards or ten thousand with your siblings growing up? Remember monopoly or scrabble or the game of life? They still make these! I am totally not kidding. They even have new games like are you smarter than a fifth grader, and updated versions of trivial pursuit. Did you even know that you can play Texas hold em or solitary with a real honest to goodness deck of cards with other people in the same room playing with the same deck of cards? At the same time? Well, not solitary, but you get the idea. Way far out.

These are just a few of the things you can find to do when your computer is broken and you no longer have access to Internet. Please try these suggestions for yourself but do so slowly and cautiously. I want no legal action taken against me if you strain something or lose some online friends because you discovered life.