So my birthday is tomorrow which leads me to think about sex. Anything can make me think of sex, but lately I have had serious sorts of thoughts about it. Dark one's. Heavy I-need-to-go-lay-down one's.
Like someone was asking the other day if it has been awhile, can you forget how? This set off a big time alarm inside me. Some overwhelming Oh-holy-crap feelings because when it comes to not have having sex, I am the master abstainer.
You see, I have these beliefs that sex when you are not married is a no no. This might explain why I have been married almost as many times as Liz Taylor. But I shouldn't confess that. (shut-up Shal)
Now, I am not a prude. Lord no. I mean, you can hold my hand and kiss my cheek, and maybe here and here too. You can pop your quarters into the juke box all day, but just don't expect me to dance with you, got it? You can stand in front of that beautiful machine, with it all lit up and glowing, flashing and humming, you can put your money in and push all the buttons you want, but that machine just isn't gonna be playing you any music. That is, unless you pop in the matrimony CD.
Where was I? oh yes, sex.
So since it has been along time, and I mean A LONG TIME, like years, along time. More then one, more then two, more then three, more then......well, you get the idea. It has been along time. So since I heard that question about if you can forget how or not, I have fixated on it.
I once heard it from someone that sex is like riding a bike. If you learned once, (or could at least keep upright without falling off for a few minutes) you were set the rest of your life. Well, ok! I can ride a bike. I have known how since I was much younger. I used to be able to ride with no hands. Oh yeah, I was THAT good at it, baby. NO HANDS! But here is the thing.
The bikes I rode were these large and heavy types with only one speed, brakes on the pedals, no frills-all business kinds of bikes. You would straddle the bike and with one foot on a pedal and the other foot on the ground, you would hop along trying to get enough speed up so that you could leap upon the seat and not fall over. Once you got the beast going, and you hiked yourself up on the seat, there was but one thing to do. Pedal. Nice and steady, just keep a good pace going and you would go somewhere. If you went up a hill, stand up and pedal harder, if you went down a hill, push back on the brakes a bit. If you were done riding you just pedaled backward hard, and it was most fun if the bike would lock up and make noise as you came to a stop. And that was that.
But have you seen bikes these days? They scare me. There are TONS of models now. And NONE of them have only one speed. There are ten speeds, eighteen speeds, and God-only-knows how many other speeds. They have gadgets you are supposed to know what to do with when you are riding, there are buttons to push, levers to pull and gears to switch. If you are going uphill you do not stand up, you just reach down and adjust these little doo-hickeys on the things you hold on to, and viola!! You climb that hill with ease.
If you go down a hill, you DO NOT, I repeat YOU DO NOT pedal backwards. Nothing will happen if you do, and it might piss the bike off. You again need to look to the thingy you are holding on to. There will be a lever. Pull it. Until you get the hang of lever pulling, you may ride your bike at break neck speed and reach your destination way too fast, pissing the bike off. Apparently, bikes these days are real moody.
As if that wasn't enough. Bikes are equipped now. They have water bottle holders, so you can replenish yourself on your ride. They have saddle packs across the seat for you to put other little gadgets and doodads that you think you might need into it. Maybe tools of some sort, some chain grease, little screwdriver-something in case the bike starts to act funny and perform sluggish.
I dunno.
And the bikes are so MADE UP these days. Way back when I was riding, a cool bike had tassels on the handles and a tin can in the spokes. Nowadays they are streamlined, with gel filled seats. They are aero dynamic, and very light weight. I just look at one and shake.
What am I supposed to do now? Isn't there an old bike still out there, one you just pedaled? Why must things have changed when I wasn't looking and now I must master buttons, levers, gadgets, tools, speeds and the like? Although I will admit the water bottle holder is a nice touch.
So that is how my thoughts have
gone lately. Very scary indeed. My only hope is that if someone inserts a matrimony CD into my disk drive, and the music starts to play and I approach that bike, that they come with some training wheels, and a whole lotta patience. Because I think they will need it. I am afraid for a while I will flip a button, push and lever, and pull something you are NEVER EVER supposed to pull.
Maybe someone should write an instruction booklet or something...yeah, that's a great idea....I would buy that. Seriously. I would buy several.
Posted at 07:45 am by Shalovee
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Singlemom
June 2, 2004 03:57 AM PDT
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear Shalagh,
Happy Birthday to you!
(and many more!) |
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Michele
June 1, 2004 08:19 PM PDT
Of course I get your humor. What kind of an idiot do you think I am! Wait... Don't answer that... I'm trying to learn not to ask questions I really don't want the answers to. (o= I just wanted to take the opportunity by the horns and encourage you to remember what an awesome woman you are. That's all Folks! Alright, there's nothing to see here. Go on home... The excitment is over. |
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Wowzers
June 1, 2004 04:35 PM PDT
*blink blink*
Good advice Mimi. Damn good advice.
Me thinks her doesn't quite get my humor.
There is no one that loves Shalagh quite like Shalagh. Nor no one hates her quite the way I do.
But even still, I love her most.
Oh yes I do. |
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Michele
June 1, 2004 04:20 PM PDT
Sha,
Oh BROTHER!!!! You know as well as I do that what you look like has very little to do with who you are!!!! You are a smart, humourous, sensitive, crude, stuningly beautiful and sexy woman. If someone likes everything about you 'if only you where smaller' then to hell with HIM! You are better then that and deserve a man who loves and cherishes and honors you as Messiah loves the congregation and He gave himself up for her! For god's sake don't settle for ANYTHING else! PLEASE! (This is not an insinuation toward any current romance in my sister's life - this is an encouragement to her that she deserves and should never settle for what she did before)
Also, Shalagh if it is your loathing of yourself, please become comfortable with yourself before you get married this time. You are a great woman with so much to love and admire. And you are who you are. And that does include your fat. You are sweet, and over-weight and kind and compassionate, and silly, and intelligent and big! It is who you are RIGHT NOW! If you can't enjoy who you are right now you will NEVER enjoy who you will become! I love ya little sister. |
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Oh no
June 1, 2004 04:13 PM PDT
Sit and spins?? Oh damn! I have to now SIT and SPIN? Can't I just do one or the other?
And it used to be so easy.... |
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ROFLOL
June 1, 2004 03:57 PM PDT
Until......ha ha ha ha.....this fat......Oh Shiit this is funny......lady....har har har!! SINGS!!! BWA HA HA HA HA!!!!
And just as a side note, totally freaked about this fat lady singing.
If I was a skinny singer, I would not be so worried. |
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Michele
June 1, 2004 12:31 PM PDT
Oh man! Is there anyway to erase these things! I can't BELIEVE I just posted that! I'm SO embarrased! |
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Michele
June 1, 2004 12:30 PM PDT
Sha,
As it has only been three years for you and I was abstainant many more years then that before I got married, I can assure you (without divulging too much TMI) that not only do you NOT forget! It doesn't take but a FRACTION of a second for the old memory factor to kick-in! Oh Yeah Baby! I am married to the greatest, most creative, perfectionist in the WORLD!!!! And it isn't over until this fat lady sings (for the most part)! (o= I'm sure you wanted to know that. (o=
I'm smiling just thinking about MY bicycle! OOOO Baby what a ride!!! (o= |
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HighlyObservant
June 1, 2004 09:26 AM PDT
I ride a Mongoose SuperTrick, with all kinds of tricked out doodads for doing curb stands, table tops, sit and spins, and any number of other radical moves on the half pipe. I'm sure that's what you wanted to hear. |
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Duhhh
June 1, 2004 08:21 AM PDT
Chyeah Brandy. Commence baby, commence. |
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iluvurrack
June 1, 2004 08:17 AM PDT
so...i can continue the groping? |
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