Last weekend my mother, who loves me, took me to garage sales. We were having a perfectly good day, finding a few treasures, until the house where moms day got very bad and mine became very funny.
My Mother is a tall woman: standing 5'9 with real long legs. I mean really long hey-baby-do-those-things-go-all-the-way-up legs. She is around 60ish. Can't tell you exactly in order to preserve my life and protect the grumpy and un-amused. And also because, she loves me.
When we arrive at this house, there is a treadmill and little else in this garage. My Mom asks some questions and then jumps up on the belt. Before I knew what she was going to do she hit the start button.
This treadmill was an old one. Really old. To make it go faster or slower you turn a crank on the side of the machine. Some smartass, probably the same one who unscrews salt shakers in restaurants, had cranked this thing up to warp speed. And here is the thing with those old machines, they don't piss around. You want to go fast, they are THERE FOR YOU BABY in like 0.3 nano seconds.
Mom no sooner then hit the button and she was off and running. I mean, she ran for her friggin life. Her legs literally were pinwheeling themselves. Her arms pumping hard and fast. And her face! The look of "oh shit-oh dear! I am on a hurling death machine" was damn funny. Man she loves me. She did that just for me. I know it.
So there she is up on this machine, running to beat the devil and putting on quite a show. I tell you what, if you ever get the chance to see someone get surprised by a treadmill from hell, it is worth the price of admission.
After five seconds from my perspective, and 30 years from my moms perspective, Mom lost to battle to the treadmill. Her feet whipped out from under her and she fell flat on the zooming belt. Not to go without a fight however, my mother quickly-the second before she hit the belt-grabbed the rails. And she wasn't letting go. So the belt basically battered her around, Trying it's best to eat her clothes off her body and drug her to the end of the machine. It let her know just what it would be like to be on a wild bucking bull, when the old woman finally came to her senses, or gave up-whichever, and she let go. The death machine from hell tossed her sorry butt across the garage.
This delicious scene was played out for me in slow mo giving me time to really critique moms mount, desperate struggle and finally a most stunning dismount.
10. Definitely. I gave her a 10. I will say this though, seeing people flung off treadmills is funny on Americas Funniest Home videos, but to see it live-it is even better. Way better.
