Woodstove 101
02.June.2002
By Shalagh Knight
Let me just pass something on to you. I live in a house with a wood-burning stove now, and I have just recently learned how to use it. I have gleaned some important information and would like to share my wisdom with you.
1) You don't HAVE to put lighter fluid on the wood to get it to start burning.
2) Quite possibly, you SHOULDN'T put lighter fluid on it to get it to start burning.
3) Using a bellow would make much more sense than opening the door, sticking your face right on in there huffing and puffing and sucking smoke. Might just save your eyebrows.
4) Dampers open=good. Dampers closed=bad.
5)You can defrost frozen steak in half the time if you put it in a pan of water and put it on the wood stove.
6) Bunnies don't like to hear the warm crackle of a fire. Bunnies don't like to feel the warmth of a fire. Little bunnies make loud thumps to scare off the large, black beast.
7) When selecting wood to put in the fire, choose a nice small piece. Do not choose a large piece that you will only be able to shove part way in. Other wise, you will have to run through the house and out the back door with it half on fire. Again, it could save your eyebrows.
8) While still outside check wood over very carefully for spiders who will jump out at you and yell "boogety, boogety." They will cause you to scream, chuck the wood high in the air, and strip buck naked before you even get into the house.
9) Once a spider screames “boogety, boogety” at you, you will jump at
anything that moves, real or imaginary, for at least two hours. Expect to beat yourself almost to death trying to rid yourself of phantom spiders.
10) The smell of a wood stove is warm, inviting, and delicious. The smell of burning plastic, dancing ribbons, and velvet bags are not. Remove such items from top of wood burning stove immediately.
11) Thank God for Hearths!
12) You can attempt to stomp out burning embers with your bare feet, but it isn’t worth it.
13) Just because you open the door and the wood isn't burning, doesn't mean it isn't hot. There is a reason man made strong iron pokers.
14) Be sure to open door ALL THE WAY, before fiddling with fire. Lest you should touch your elbow or knee on said door.
15) When knee or elbow is burning, screaming loud and hopping around just upsets the bunnies. Bunnies don't like loud and colorful words.
16) It is tempting, I know, to open the door every five minutes to make sure the fire is still hot, but it is, trust me. It can burn with no assistance from you at all. You can fill your house with smoke
otherwise.
Just take these few hints to heart and you too can have a warm, enjoyable wood-stove experience.
