Note to self:
Do not ever again, under any circumstances, decide since your in the bath bathing anyway, and the cat is sitting there watching you, and the cat shampoo is in reach, you might as well kill two birds with one stone and grab up the cat, submerging it in the bath, against your naked skin, to bath it. Don't ever, ever, ever, ever do that again.
Also, I have just beat the worlds record for using the most comas ever in one sentence. Yep.
Note to self:
Wash hand thoroughly after cutting up hot peppers for nachos before inserting O.B. tampon. Likewise wash up good when camping, lest you have bug spray, sunscreen and other such nastiness on your hands
Note to self:
Never EVER admit that in 1997, when you found your (then) husband had been sending the secretary flowers and affections you got even by making the most FABOO fudge ever for the christmas party out of your frozen breast milk.
Yeah, keep that quiet
Note to self:
Do not nair the top of your legs, then sit on the pot and nair the bottom of your legs. You just may get more then you bargained for when you jump in the shower and rinse off.
Note to self:
Always apply some sort of cream or lotion when shaving. Never, ever dry shave. Just don't.
Note to self:
I don't care how chummy he gets, or if he is confessing to you his sins, don't admit to exhubby that when you found out about his fun on the side he was having, that it was you who put a whole bottle of nair in his conditioner, nor the 8 exlax chocolates in his hot cocoa. Just keep that to yourself. It is only funny to you.
Note to self:
If you forget the toothpaste on your toothbrush when you get into the shower, don't substitute the cranberry frost shampoo. It really doesn't taste like cranberry at all and foams way to much.
Note to self:
When you run out of toilet paperr, you CAN use coffee filters. Just don't use them for to long. They can do terrible things to wonderful places.
Note to self:
When you are talking in multiple IM's, ALWAYS double check what your sending to whom. Because when you type to someone "you have a great rack. Let's do it like monkeys in a vat of mayo" and it goes to a person it wasn't intended for, is really hard to explain.
Note to self:
Do not, under any circumstances put stuff in your hair that contains lanolin, petroleum, and wax. It will take drastic measures to get it out. It is going to take desperate concoctions and a hellofa lot of money. Hellofa. Hellofa. And it will also take days. Many, many days. When you show up to school looking like this, the kids will ask questions, they will also point, snicker and full out laugh. So will the staff.
Asshats.
Note to self:
When your plane says it departs at 3:40. It means it leaves the runway at that time. Thinking you have plenty of time if you go to the area at 3:20, isn't really very smart. You will find yourself on the toilet, mid stream when you hear: Final call for Flight 3737 from Dallas to Portland. All passengers leaving on this flight should be boarded. This little bit of news will send waves of terror through your body. Loudly you will scream "FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" and you will attempt to wipe yourself mid stream. That isn't going to work. Now you have to wash up at the sink, wasting more time. Now you run, scared like a bunny to your area. Which seems so very far away. After a three hour, fourty minute lay over, you don't want to miss that plane. No way. So you hit the area, which is empty of people, except a group of about 4 men, yelling "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! This! *gasp* Is! *wheeze* my! *pant* PLANE! *
I stood there with such a look of fear and abandonment on my face, the ticket man actually embraced me in a comforting hug and told me, "Don't worry hunny, we aren't going to leave without you."
"Wheeze, pant, gasp, pant" is all I could reply. But the wide eyed look on my face gives them the giggles. And they abandon themselves to it as I walk down the ramp to the plane.
Yeah. So next time get there a whole hour early and just freaking stay put. The heart attack you will give yourself just isn't worth it. It just isn't.
Note to self:
When you are going to take a bath with eucalyptus in it, it doesn't take much. Adding to much will only cause your skin to catch fire and burn for hours after. You ass will blaze with the heat of a thousand suns, and your crotch will hate you. Be nice to your crotch. Just. Don't. Do. that.
Note to self:
When GeekMom is nice enough to let you take a bath in her huge whirlpool tubb, which was so good by the way, I am engaged to be married to the first jet on the right, do not, I repeat, DO NOT add even 4 small drops of patchouli to the bath. She hates the stuff. And even now, 3 days later, she can still smell it. Be nice for goodness sakes, or maybe she won't come to the wedding.
Just grab a tissue ok? You just know, from your background knowledge, that the moment you think you are alone, and decide to dig around in your nose for nuggets, that will be the EXACT moment the respiratory therapist will come in, along with the charge nurse, and CNA to check out your sister. And there you will be, up to your elbow in your nose. No slick way to pretend you weren't doing what you were.
So just get a tissue and blow, ok? Besides, what WERE you going to do with it, if your mission hadn't been thwarted?
Also, just an FYI kinda thing, farts echo nicely in a parking garage. And for once I wasn't caught. And yeah, it was fun.
Note to self:
I don't care if you did wake up with a pimple, nor that you have those little bumps on your face. Do NOT scrub your face with a pumice stone. If you grind off your epidermal layer, it is going to hurt like hell apply make up later. And witch hazel? Not really that soothing once your face has been ground off. In fact, nothing is.
You have done this before. Did you forget?
I am reminded me of the time my sisters kids lived with me. After the 5 years old's played in the water, they realized it was all over the floor. So they decided to help out and clean it. With what you ask? Hair conditioner of course. Makes sense right? So I see three little one's skating around in the bathroom, and I walk through the doorway to see what they are doing, hit that shit and sailed across the floor, feet dancing wildly, arms pin-wheeling and slammed into the wall.
Note to self? If you see kids ice skating on the bathroom floor, do not think for one-second, that if you step onto it, you won't do the same exact thing. Only faster, because you are bigger.
Note to self:
When your coffee percolator is perking away and goes into hyper perk mode, like it is stuck, and you shake it a few times and it doesn't fix the problem, opening the lid isn't a good idea. Hyper perk means it is forcing hot liquid up and out forcefully. You will get burned, you idjit, if you do that. Think of something else. Shake harder, unplug it, bang it on the counter, or walk away. Just don't open that damned lid ever again.
Note to self:
Never trust your friends. They are a bunch of hell raisers. All of them. If someone new pops up in I.M, or in chat, don't believe it is an innocent thing. Always be suspicious. Always question. And NEVER EVER say anything bad. Good girl. That was a close one.
You got me good, the lot of you. Humerous, that. Congrates! And quite funny. Dang good thing I love me a practical joke. Just remember, I can give as good as I get.
Asshats.
Sha(who can take a thought that hurts, and turn it into a reality that hurts much more)Lovee
