Okay, so I have a little story to tell and first I will start it by saying no, there isn't anything wrong with me. I can just be incredibly immature sometimes. But come on! I have an eleven year old son and that explain almost all of it right there.
My sister and her husband are motorcycle enthusiasts. Which is a little bit of a bummer because her three kids are willed to me, so I rarely permit them to ride together when I have something to say about it. But Saturday they went to a motorcycle thingy where people would gather and geek out on whose-thingamajig-is-bigger-than-your-thingamajig, while I babysat. And because my sisters husband is really a 15 year old living in a 28 year old body, he purchased a fart machine.
Yes, a FART MACHINE.
And nothing is funnier than that, right? Oh lord no! And alllllllll day it was hid places, waiting for me to sit down and off it would go. This little box is remote controlled, which added to the mischief value of this evil contraption. My son, the only male in a house of 4 girls got us all day.
All. Danged. Day.
And then something happened. Somewhere in all the farts being laid out, it became fun. I have some serious personality flaws I realize, but lord a mercy a nefarious plan was being hatched in my evil skull. You see, Saturday is my church day. And what could be better then taking this to church and letting her rip? Huh? Seriously! That sounds fun, right?
I need help.
My dad is the teacher there and the thought did cross my mind that maybe I would be the only one thinking this was funny. Well, me and the two kids-one of who is tragically locked in a 28 year old mans body. Anyway, I Kinda thought that a slight ass kicking would come from Pop after the fact, what with holiness of the occasion and all.
And don't get me wrong, I am beautifully and wonderfully made, just like you are, and I am every bit as holy as the next guy, and my sister did this little teaching thing during chow time that said Yhwh made us all a "10" so one could totally argue that my previously stated character flaws are really His doing.
Meaning, it is not my fault. Its HIS.
I am sure God tinkered me the way He did because He too, thinks farts are funny. He is a HE-right? Why else would he have one slip out of you while you were standing in front of the class giving a speech and the more you clenched your butt cheeks together the more it WEEEEEd itself up and down the octave scale like a big o' butt trombone, thus giving the whole class a good laugh at your expense and giving the smart mouthed teacher (a MALE) the good wise crack that you could continue with your speech when you were finished playing the national anthem. (Right mom, right? *wink* No worries, no one will know who in my family did that. *wink*wink*)
So I slipped it in my purse, and slipped the purse over the arm of my chair and gave the remote to my son. (the absolute biggest show of affection and undying love a mother can give her boy) No wonder I am his hero. I am so totally gonna take one for the team just for him. I ROCK.
And I putter away while people are talking and you can see some people's head cock to the side where they think....did I just hear something? And now service starts where that day I was going to lead all the prayers, the Hebrew, the songs, everything and as I pass my father, my purse lets one rip. I spin around to look at my son and my dad quite forcefully tells me to KEEP MOVING BEFORE THE AIR TURNS GREEN.
Men are pigs.
So I go up front and I only fart a couple of times, but every time I do my sisters face turns bright red. Seriously. Red as my hair and she scoots her chair away from me, giving me a look of red faced "day-am!" Might as well crack (hee hee) a joke to elevate the embarrassment. I just grin and cut another one.
Now people are really starting to figure out that what they thought was happening, is indeed happening. I AM passing gas. Poor me-right? (I'm going to hell, I'm going to hell)
Prayers over, worship over, Hebrew over, now it is time to get down to the studying. When I stand to read, I know what this means. It means when I bend over to sit I am gonna blow. And I do. And my son, and the other boy are dying in dork ecstasy. They hand the remote back and forth, because it is SO MUCH FUN to humiliate the red head.
I fart through service, I fart after service, I fart in the food line. Finally while eating (to which no one would sit by me I noticed) one of my sisters kids pop off with what is going on. For which my sisters were relieved, and my dad yelled at me some but not too badly, and I know I still might be in for a tongue lashing for doing that while in congregation, for God's sakes!
To that I say Yes! For God's sake! Who made me perfectly and beautifully, and if he didn't want me to sing from the butt, He wouldn't have made it possible.
Amen.
Posted at 10:16 am by Shalovee
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Sheilah
April 5, 2005 04:25 PM PDT
Oh...my stomach hurts from laughing sooo freaking hard out loud...that was too funny! Totally made my whole day! :) |
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Kitty
April 5, 2005 10:32 AM PDT
Shal . . .
what can I say?!?!?
I just hope you stayed on tune ...
how funny!!!
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JustAPixel
April 4, 2005 08:24 PM PDT
omg. I am falling off the chair, dying of laughter. It's a good thing I wasn't there - I would have been snorting and guffawing everytime you "trilled your piccolo". |
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Meg
April 4, 2005 08:13 PM PDT
By the way, I can read you in Netscape today! And the font is big enough for me to read without squinting, too! I dunno what exactly you did, but I lurves it! |
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Roc'l
April 4, 2005 07:25 PM PDT
Hilarious story, Shal! I'm somewhat disappointed, though, because I really wanted to hear your dad's reaction when it happened to *him*!
My bosses used one of these awhile back during a presentation, and I videotaped the whole thing! |
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Soyunperdedor
April 4, 2005 04:22 PM PDT
"...sing from the butt..."!!!!! LMAO!!! What a gas! O...M...G!!! You crack me up! I only thought I knew you! (what? I have no idea who this person is. Shal who?)
Aggressive farting at babysitter's boyfriends is not enough, you have to desecrate the sanctity of the church with your noxious ways? I bet your Pop gave you some silent, but deadly, looks with some of those Rabbi rattlers.
Is it safe to guess you brought the air biscuits for oneg? |
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Meg
April 4, 2005 04:09 PM PDT
Oh. My. Goodness! ROFL |
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Carrie
April 4, 2005 03:10 PM PDT
Oh boy! Fart gags get me all the time :)) |
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Cyli
April 4, 2005 02:52 PM PDT
I can think of no better thing to say then .......simply precious!!!!! You and your son are my hero's this week!!!! With the death of the pope and all the sadness God has to deal with, I bet he needed those giggles you gave!!!! Way to go!! |
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