My boy, as we have already learned, is a twit. Plus eleven. So a MAJOR twit. But my goodness am I in love with his ornery butt. You see, in our belief system you become a man when you are thirteen. This is good. My boy has no male role model in my house. This is bad. However, since he is the coolest kid to walk the earth, his uncle has taken him under his wing. And the other day, he took his first step at becoming a little man. He got his first ever man tool. He got a lawnmower. He got this as tzdakkah from my congregation. Tzdakkah is a gift, or charity. And it feels a lot like Hanukkah only better, when it comes to you.
He and his uncle put it together and he learned how to use it. He told me I was not allowed to use his mower EVER. To which I say "oh-frickin-kay!" Every Friday he will mow the lawn. I am so happy. Because not only is this a growing experience for him, but he is picking up some slack that I simply cannot do. My back is so bad, and my yard is so big, I would be laid up a week. And to feel like I can place my trust in my boy and know it will get done right, makes me feel all good and wonderful.
Plus it makes me think that my congregation is way better than your congregation because not only did they buy The Boy the lawn mower, but they bought me two big huge men who spent all danged day here bushwhacking my yard, mowing, weeding, clipping, and hauling off tons of crap out of my yard until it is now a yard again instead of a rain forest. So they didn't just give me a fish, they put a pole in my boys hand. Neat-yeah? My congregation rocks! I mean, I bring a fart machine to church just last week and they STILL do all this for me.
So now my yard is mowed and it is spring in Oregon which means one thing. Spiders. Lots and lots of spiders. I am scared to death of spiders. I have an eleven year old boy. You know where this is going.
So my boy and his friend go out into the yard to catch spiders (why the HELL do boys do this?!?!) and I sit inside with that not-so-right feeling in the pit of my gut. Because my boy has done this before to me. He has caught some huge fanged beast, placed it in a mason jar and ran in to show me. Now I learned early to not betray myself and show fear because this is the fuel that ignites the hearts of little boys. Mommy fear. They live for it.
Now when he comes in to show me some half spider, half beast thing I tell him to stop and let me come over to him and peer inside the jar, I do not like it when he rushes over and shoves the jar under my nose. Because this pitches the spider around in the jar and pisses it off. And when it gets pissed off, all it sees is me, therefore I KNOW that it will burn with hate and seek revenge one night as I sleep. I KNOW spiders remember and seek revenge because once when my boy showed me a spider, I screamed and offended it. Later that night a spider that looked a hella lot like the one I offended hid in my bed covers waiting for me to slip into the bed and then IT TOUCHED ME!!! Can you imagine?! It caused me to almost beat the hell out of myself scrambling out of bed.
So after my boy had caught about 30 spiders and put them all in a bowl, (*shivers*) he decided to become evil and risk his one way ticket into heaven by doing the one thing he loves even more then light sabers, Darth Vader, and even black jellybeans. SCARING HIS MOTHER!!
So in the house he comes with a big plastic cup I can't see through, with that look on his face. If you have an eleven year old, you know that look. It is a total MOO HA HA Kinda look. It is the look that makes my blood turn to ice. And he says to me "Mom! Look at this HUGE SPIDER" and he picks up his step towards me. All I can think is "dude!! Slow down! Slow down! Don't thrust that thing at me and pitch it around in that cup, what if you pitch it out and it touches me?! Slow down!! Let me come to you...stop stop stop.....Oh holy God, RUN WOMAN........"
And I betray myself.
I scream and find my feet. My son is giggling and running after me. I hit the yard, I do a lap, I run inside, I lap the couch, I stop and throw things at him while screaming in a whole new language I invented right there on the spot, and I run again. I run up and over furniture, I run straight up walls, I am cursing and completely lost in that panic fear. I stop and face him and decide to play my trump card and speak the only language this kids knows. "So help me God you don't stop right now and I will take your allowance away for 4 months....."
And he is not stopping. And he is giggling. And he is pulling the cup back to....to what? OH MY GOD HE IS GOING TO THROW IT ON MEEEEEEEEEE.......
And here is where my mind literally breaks apart. One part of my mind is feeling total disbelief that my kid who came from me during 22 hours of labor and 45 mins of pushing and KNOWS I am scared of these things is actually going to throw one on me. No way can he do this thing he is doing. No way. The cup has got to be empty. He is kidding right? No way. I can't believe he would do that. I raised a good boy. No way. I mean, he is totally going to hell and all, but he is still kinda good-right?
The other part of my head is screaming over and over NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO....this may be the part that was actually controlling my mouth. I am not sure. This part of my brain is the part that controls body movement but it somehow became stuck on rapid arm flapping and High knee kicks. Although my feet were pumping harder then they have ever pumped, I am only standing in one place while doing this.
The other part of my brain is already planning what to do when this spider leaves that cup and flies through the air at me. Should it touch me, there is but one thing to do. Strip naked.
And that must have been the most dominant command my mind heard last because my boy flips the cup at me and out flies.......NOTHING. No matter. I am completely out of my head by now and screaming Get it off me!! GET IT OFFFFF ME!!!!!!!!
And I start shedding clothes. Off comes my sweatshirt. I fling it away from me. Off comes my T-shirt, I fling it away from me. Off comes my under shirt and I fling it away from me. I am now in my bra and reaching for my capris when my brain is screaming STOP! STOP! STOP! There is no spider!!! My boys face registers a holy-shit-this-is-better-than-I-ever-imagined look. I am able to stop myself, brakes squealing like a train that has suddenly decided a quick stop is in order. My pants manage to stay on. But just.
And I am panting, shaking, trying to wrap my mind around the fact that this FRUIT ON MY LOOMS did this to me. And he is giggling while shaking his hands out and doing little leaps in place at the excitement of this occasion. He literally lives for this and so help him, this was well worth any price he has to pay for doing it. Why would anyone ever do drugs to get high when there are MOTHERS?!
I just collected my clothes and go change my poopy underware.
I got dressed and sat down on the couch trying to calm and collect myself. He got me. He got me good. And although it was NOT FUNNY at the time, it is kinda funny looking back at it. I mean, these are the things I will remember fondly when he has grown and I am telling his kids about their daddy when he was their age-right?
I mean I can hang on to that comforting thought. That and the knowledge I am so totally going to pull out the pictures of my boy in the bath, in his underwear, playing dolls with his sister and show alllll his girlfriends when he is a teenager.
MOO HA HA!
Posted at 01:27 pm by Shalovee
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GeekMom
April 12, 2005 06:54 AM PDT
I'm not amazed that you gave birth to this creature -- I'm just amazed he's still among the living!! :-)
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ShaLovee
April 11, 2005 03:56 PM PDT
Oh Brittney, you have NO IDEA what a crap shoot that was!! For reals. You know, that would have served the little turd right. Have his mothers double D longs flapping around as I danced naked. He would have happily gouged his own eyes out with a fondue skewer. |
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Brittany
April 11, 2005 03:12 PM PDT
my laugh of the day!! well look at the bright side...... atleast u still had your bra on!!! XD!!! |
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Karrie
April 11, 2005 12:48 PM PDT
Oh my goodness. I cannot stop laughing! That was halarious. I too hate spiders with a fiery passion, and I woulda beat the living hell outta him. My little brother does that to me sometimes. Little ankle biters. All of em'! |
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Meg
April 11, 2005 07:04 AM PDT
Oooh, oooh, don't forget to take pictures of the results when he forgets to flush the toilet. Those are great pictures to show a girlfriend! |
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Sheilah
April 10, 2005 06:47 PM PDT
So that's why they say "Boys will be boys"...I'll never know...me with my 2 girls, that is :) |
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Soyunperdedor
April 10, 2005 03:56 PM PDT
Man, I know what you mean about 7 vs. 11. I suspect that boys will be boys a lot longer than even that. Heck, I know some 36-year olds who are really still boys at heart. |
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JustAPixel
April 10, 2005 09:37 AM PDT
I am anxiously awaiting "Revenge of the Darth Mother"! I know Shal, and I know she allows no diabolic prank go unretaliated. Oh, yes, Ms. Spider-PoopyPants Dancer will retaliate - she will see her son's bet and raise it.
I cannot wait.
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Soyunperdedor
April 9, 2005 07:36 PM PDT
Your boy is just, just, just....well, a boy!!!! LMAO! |
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