Monday, January 03, 2005
Posted at 06:53 am by Shalovee
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Friday, December 31, 2004
Well. New years eve.
I hope you all had a good 2004 and that 2005 is going to be way better. No matter how good it was last year, I hope the new one is better. Way, way better.
I am looking forward to it myself. I love new starts. Birthdays, first day of a new month, the brand new year, I feel the same about them all.
Freshness. Newness. Hope.
We all get a new year, unpolluted, like a chalkboard that has been wiped clean and we have all been handed a piece of brand spanking new, unbroken chalk.
Oh the possibilities! Here is to a happy, healthy, fantastic double aught five, peoples! See you on the next side.
Posted at 10:32 pm by Shalovee
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Monday, December 27, 2004
Today I was reading peoples 100 list. You know, where you tell people 100 things about you. I thought to myself; been there, done that. I wondered if I could do the same thing only using one word each. It took me awhile but I did. I made some of the words up, but so what. Who you going to tell? I think I should get extra points for the clever words.
So....did I leave any out?
1* sentimental.
2* serious
3* afraid
4* endearing
5* emotional
6* Sappy
7* alone
8* strong
9* boobalicious
10* happy
11* enigma
12* hurt
13* provocative
14* provoking
15*voluptuous
16* precious
17* Dishy
18* indomitable
19*potent
20*powerful
21*scrumptious
22*inexorable
23*vivacious
24*gaudy
25*inescapable
26*rough
27*heady
28*filthy
29*Sexy
30*salty
31*hedonic
32*inelegant
33*salacious
34*companionless
35*randy
36*unfrequented
37*risqué
38*Promised
39*disheartened
40*Wild
41*neglected
42*single
43*uncouth
44*Kind
45*cruel
46*lonesome
47*addicted
48*addicting
49*innocent
50*old
51*insatiable
52*Joyful
53*brave
54*depressed
55*adventuresome
56*hopeful
57*loverly
58*impish
59*rounded
60*beautiful
61*meek
62*assured
63*lofty
64*lonely
65*fearless
66*fiery
67*proud
68*healed
69*gorgeous
70*grand
71*glorious
72*memorable
73* animated
74*passionate
75*painful
76*overcome
77*renewed
78*unashamed
79*sparkling
80*fireball
81*inventive
82*real
83*ready
84*sentimental
85* fanciful
86*solid
87*caring
88* wise
89*survivor
90*round
91*tired
92*broke
93*want
94*wanton
95*dreamer
96*optimistic
97*faithful
98*admirable
99*friendly
100*alive Posted at 08:29 pm by Shalovee
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Friday, December 24, 2004
Oh man. I found the BEST show today ever. It blends two of my most favorite things. Forensic profiling and snooping. It is called House of clues, and it is FABULOUS. Two people go into a house and each snoop (oh how I love to snoop!) in three separate rooms with a professional forensic profiler. (Named Reef Karim, and boy! Does he bring the pretty to the show, or what? Yes he does.) They are trying to glean what kind of people live in the house and what their big issue is.
And boy, is it fascinating. You would think I would be more observant than I am about the world around me, liking some of the things that I do. But my observation tends to be with blinders on, while other people, say SD, are observant about the wide view. I would LOVE to do this show with my friend SD. The winner gets $1,500, so I would like to just hand that over immediately before going in, then go in and do it with him jointly. Because that? Equals way more fun!
How fun would it be to go into someone's home and look at all their stuff and try to figure out who lives there? Fun, right? Yeah, I know! I have always loved the forensic shows where they bring in a profiler who looks at the crime scene and can tell so much about who did the crime. Amazing. Innit?
To think that the things you have laying around say something about the kind of person who would own those things. And leave them where they are. What would someone say if they went through my house? Man. That is what I want to know. If they showed up right this very minute, and went through three rooms, would they guess who I am?
It would be obvious I am a single woman with kids who owns animals and I tend to not finish things. It would be obvious that I am crafty, yet have more things half finished, then done. It would be obvious I am cluttered and unkempt. And because those people go through the closets it would be obvious I am a big girl with a lower income. Uneducated. Unmaterialistic. In desperate need of a maid.
What else would they know? Would they see I am romantic? Scared? A dreamer? Imaginative? Willing? Smart? Eager? Hopeful? Hurt? Would they see I was Married and divorced? (rinse, then repeat as necessary) Would they see I am spiritual? Beautiful? Transformed? Would they see me as talented, or wasted? And what would they guess is my "pressing issue?" Lord a mercy, could they pick only one? Would they be glad to meet me when it was over, or look at me with contempt? Would they want to ask me things, or just be done and leave?
All these questions. What would my house say about me? Would it be accurate? Like I WANT my house orderly, it just isn't. I WANT it decorated, I just don't have the time, money, talent. I want tons of stuff that would reflect me more then what I actually DO have. I feel everything I have is more functional and not expressive. The only expression you will get is in the disorderly way in which it is displayed. Which, you know, that can't be accurate.
Can it? Posted at 06:41 pm by Shalovee
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Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Not your average holiday letter
Well I received my third Christmas card today. Third! Hee hee. Not bad for a chick who doesn't celebrate Christmas. So you know those letters people send out? Those smarmy "Phil got a raise and now leads his office and is the second highest paid paper pusher on the west coast. Primmy was just nominated for Rose princess (third year in a row!) and is engaged to an honest to goodness prince. A prince of a really small country, but still. Chip won the lottery and invested all his money in viagra, and his winnings doubled in size! I am doing just fine, lost the extra one pound I gained from all the eating of pies, cakes, fried everything I could find, and all that really yummy Irish cream I drank. Silly me to overindulge as I did, but with a little Deep breaths in and out, and some extra blinking, it came off just fine. Close one! I really hate to close this off now, but I must go pick the Beemer up from the custom shop, you know how Phil likes his toys tricked out! Happy holidays!
Yeah. Those holiday letters? I hate those letters. What is worse than a holiday letter like that, is a holiday blog entry like that. And They are ALWAYS so sappy sweet and full of joy and blessings. I want a real one dammit. I want to know how your year REALLY went.
Because of that, I would like to write my own. You know, if I celebrated festivities and ho ho ho and such. Which I don't. But if I did it would read as follows:
Happy dad burn holidays. Kids bigger, sassier, messier than ever. I am older, fatter, broker than usual. My dog stinks, my rabbits keeps eating holes in all my clothes, my cats have actually shed so much that I now have 6 cats. My house is messy, my car payments are twice as high as they should be. My beta husband has been extra jerkish, my lawn is over-grown, and I think my neighbors are selling drugs. My back is bad, my hips are worse, and my feet got really, really fat once. The bright spot was when I was given lasix and a hat to pee in and for three days it was like super science around here with my urine! Oh the joy! Some of you know about this already because I got a digital camera and took pictures of my fat feet journey, complete with a picture of the hat in the toilet. I am thorough. And I don't mind sharing. On a good note the nightmares have stopped. Well, I need to go now and pick up a food box so I can feed the screamers this holiday and swing by the pharmacy and refill my Prozac. Have a merry f*ing Christmas people.
But that wouldn't be completely truthful, because I didn't include all the other things that happened to me this year. Like all the days I get off from work because there is just not enough work for all the subs. Or how I am finally finding focus and balance in my life, even if in order to do it I had to be turned outside, inside, out and lose my favorite people. Or how I now have a grip, but I only have myself to grip to. Or how my peaches are fan-freaking-tabulous, but I am the only one shaking that tree. Or how I love myself to pieces, which is a damn good thing seeing how I do that pretty much alone. (except you T, and R, and you-yeah, you. You know who) Or how I may get the chance to do some nursing again. Or how my guy won survivor. Or how close my kids have become with me. Or how for 6 months I have had super powered, uber nifty broadband connection, making the internet an even greater place to be. Or how I wanted a blog hit from Japan and invented a genius plan and got one! Or how I finally caught up with the double zeros, man, and got a DVD player with which to watch star wars, and Barry Manilow on over and over again. Or that I have been making some really great, super jewelry lately that, for once in my life, looks like a big person made it, and not a 3rd grader's art project. Or how I have been able to sleep in to 9:30 everyday for the past 4 days or so. Or how orgasmic a digital camera can be for your creative, nerdy side. Or how I learned one day not too long ago just how de-yummy-lish a bath full of chocolate is. Real chocolate. For real chocolate. If you have not bathed in Chocolate, then you have not lived, man. And I mean it. (But just don't put any in your mouth dude, just sayin')
But if I added all that sappy happy crappy, then it would end up being just another holiday letter to people who hardly know me and don't really care. Right? And who needs just one more how-my-year-went holiday letter anyway?
Right?
Right. Posted at 02:26 pm by Shalovee
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Wednesday, December 15, 2004
AWOL a.k.a. Alcohol without liquid. What could go wrong?
Well, innit this a FANTASTIC new invention? I saw a new thing today that will change the world and allow even nerds and dorks to get laid in college. It basically is this. AWOL. a.k.a alcohol without liquid. Here is how it works. (I am not even kidding, you MUST click the link I provided. I am so serious)
You have a shot of "high quality booze" in this container hooked up to an oxygen pump. When turned on it turns the alcohol into a fine mist. You hold this inhaler looking thing up to your mouth and breath all the pure alcohol straight into your lungs and brain. Oh glorious rapture and glee! It claims a longer drunk without that pesky hangover. It has very few carbs and almost no calories. You can get high as hell and not pay for it on your waist line. How fantastic is that? It is all the rage in Europe, and it is hitting the US right now even as I blog about it. Now I know I don't drink alcohol anymore, but this is SMOKING it. God bless the genius who figured out this loop hole. May he be rewarded by having the oxygen tank stuffed up his rear end.
Side ways.
And because you aren't DRINKING, you can truthfully tell a cop "I have had nothing to drink sir" and mean it when you are pulled over for weaving. They say it takes longer to get drunk this way, but the effects last WAY longer. So this is great for all of us non alcoholics who will be sharing the road with these folks. I mean, our streets are WAY too safe anyway. Right?
Now they aren't exactly sure of the long term effects on your brain yet. Because the booze consumed the old way actually passed through the liver and kidneys which, thank YHWH, removed the toxins and impurities from the booze for you. Sure it was a little taxing on them if you say, drank every single day. But now your brain gets a straight hit. You are pumping the real, unadulterated thing right into your blood via lungs and nose. That has got to be good, right? No more liver disease! No more kidney problems! No more stomach problems! Imagine getting wasted and not have that terrible case of the runs that happens the next day. Imagine the glory of that. And no hangover? It is worth my weight in gold.
You can get way wasted, way harder, way longer. What could go wrong? I dunno. But let's try it out on the college kids. Those jackas.....kids will try anything.
Did they think this out all the way? I am not sure they did. What I wonder is what this will do to the bar scene. Now a man says to a woman...hey beautiful, can I buy you a drink? What will he say for AWOL? Hey beautiful, wanna come suck on my hose? How is that going to go over? Have they thought about that yet?
I bet not. Posted at 10:11 am by Shalovee
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Sunday, December 12, 2004
Woodstove 101
02.June.2002
By Shalagh Knight
Let me just pass something on to you. I live in a house with a wood-burning stove now, and I have just recently learned how to use it. I have gleaned some important information and would like to share my wisdom with you.
1) You don't HAVE to put lighter fluid on the wood to get it to start burning.
2) Quite possibly, you SHOULDN'T put lighter fluid on it to get it to start burning.
3) Using a bellow would make much more sense than opening the door, sticking your face right on in there huffing and puffing and sucking smoke. Might just save your eyebrows.
4) Dampers open=good. Dampers closed=bad.
5)You can defrost frozen steak in half the time if you put it in a pan of water and put it on the wood stove.
6) Bunnies don't like to hear the warm crackle of a fire. Bunnies don't like to feel the warmth of a fire. Little bunnies make loud thumps to scare off the large, black beast.
7) When selecting wood to put in the fire, choose a nice small piece. Do not choose a large piece that you will only be able to shove part way in. Other wise, you will have to run through the house and out the back door with it half on fire. Again, it could save your eyebrows.
8) While still outside check wood over very carefully for spiders who will jump out at you and yell "boogety, boogety." They will cause you to scream, chuck the wood high in the air, and strip buck naked before you even get into the house.
9) Once a spider screames “boogety, boogety” at you, you will jump at
anything that moves, real or imaginary, for at least two hours. Expect to beat yourself almost to death trying to rid yourself of phantom spiders.
10) The smell of a wood stove is warm, inviting, and delicious. The smell of burning plastic, dancing ribbons, and velvet bags are not. Remove such items from top of wood burning stove immediately.
11) Thank God for Hearths!
12) You can attempt to stomp out burning embers with your bare feet, but it isn’t worth it.
13) Just because you open the door and the wood isn't burning, doesn't mean it isn't hot. There is a reason man made strong iron pokers.
14) Be sure to open door ALL THE WAY, before fiddling with fire. Lest you should touch your elbow or knee on said door.
15) When knee or elbow is burning, screaming loud and hopping around just upsets the bunnies. Bunnies don't like loud and colorful words.
16) It is tempting, I know, to open the door every five minutes to make sure the fire is still hot, but it is, trust me. It can burn with no assistance from you at all. You can fill your house with smoke
otherwise.
Just take these few hints to heart and you too can have a warm, enjoyable wood-stove experience.
Posted at 08:15 am by Shalovee
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Thursday, December 09, 2004
Reruns are fun, aren't they?
Big smart spider
9.oct.2002
By Shalagh Knight
I am scared of spiders. Large menacing ones especially. As my son and I came home last night we noticed a huge spider on the doorpost. By huge I mean big. Really. Really. Big. I believe he had a cigarette and a drink in his hands. He was reading a biker magazine.
I unlocked the door and leapt inside the house, swatting myself all over in case he was on me (even though I was looking at him on the door post). I told my son -- even he was little shaken by his size -- "kick him!" So he did. He kicked the spider hard, only for it to fly into the house at my feet. I screamed and began to dance around like a fire walker whose act has gone very wrong. My boy was laughing at me. Oh yes, I admit it, my dance was a gross pantomime at best, but I was giving it all I had. He took matters into his own hands and stepped in the door and right onto it. Oh! My hero.
We stood there staring at this dead spider and thinking, "My goodness, is he huge!" My boy grabed a bag and scooped up the spider. As soon as he did, the spider jumped up and took off, taking refuge under the couch. I began my dance again, slapping myself as I danced lest he be on me. Then I noticed my brave son, flat on his back, screaming "AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG!" and kicking the air wildly. Now, that was just good comedy.
I flipped the couch over and we saw the spider; and the spider saw us. He flattened himself to the ground, attempting to hide. My son stomped him again. And again, and again. Finally, the spider was dead. My son then scooped him up (the ultimate act of bravery) and threw him outside. We must have danced and slapped ourselves for an hour or more, attempting to rid ourselves of phantom spiders. Even just remembering this story gives me the shivers. I am happy to reflect that at least I did not have to go through this alone. I had my very brave eight-year old to dance with me.
Posted at 07:54 am by Shalovee
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Monday, December 06, 2004
Because it is my birthday this week (second time this year) I rerun this little story.
Most people give cards or flowers for someone's birthday, but for my 28th birthday, my sister gave me two baby skunks. The Mom had been hit by a car and we got them 2 days after their eyes opened. Skunk are the most amazing and wonderful creatures. They are inquisitive, silly, playful and very naughty. Every 3 hours, around the clock I hand fed them formula and the rest of the time they lived in a box in my apartment. They grew quickly and would come out and romp with me on the kitchen floor. They would romp around and stomp their feet at me, then they would whip into a handstand, pointing their butts at me like....don't make me use this!! They would snuggle under your chin and munch your hair. I loved them very much!
Now my sister Anita, who gave me the skunks, actually shared them with me. When she wasn't working, they were with her, and when I wasn't, they were with me. My other sister Michele lived with me at this point and one day her and I were taking a nap when the most evil smell ever woke us out of a dead sleep. Seems her cat had been napping and woke up at the same time the skunks had. He hadn't seen the skunks yet as we kept them separate. They were in a box that had one hole in it about a big as a curious cats paw. The cat went investigating with that paw inside the box and the skunks let him have it. When I opened my bedroom door that cat had a look that said...."oh for the love of God!!" and he dove under my bed. I ran to my skunks and they too had that look. They didn't like the smell any more then the cat did. They leaping into my arms and hid under the table. I quickly ran the box down to the dumpsters and felt mighty bad for the folks who lived by them, I will tell you that.
After several hours, my apartment was back to normal. Thank God only the box took the hit, neither the cat nor the skunks had any on them. I am happy to report that from then to this very day, that cat has never messed with another box and takes great pains to avoid them at all cost.
Now it is important here to explain that while my sister lived with me, she slept in my bed. Why not? I have a queen bed. If she slept with me, my children wouldn't have to be misplaced. We could then stay up and talk just like when we were little girls. To us it seemed perfectly natural. One night I was coming to bed and I wanted to hear the number one country song first. My sister Michele HATES country music. When it was over, I climbed into bed and twisted wrong and got a cramp. Right in my Glute. I yelled "OH!! I twanged my Glute!" So my sister started laughing and said...my Lord this makes a perfect country song. And she burst into a very terrible homemade country song about the skunks in the bathroom and the cat under the bed and me getting a cramp in my butt cheek as I climbed into bed with my sister. We made several jokes about how southern we were at that very moment.
Well the next day my sister was at work- She worked for the state sewer department -and was relaying this story to her co workers at break. So she gets to the part about me climbing into bed and twanging my glute and everyone burst up laughing, then they all stop at once as if they had a collective thought and said....."wait, you sleep with your sister?"
The skunks have grown and moved into the wilderness now. They escaped from their pen in the middle of the night about a week before my sister Anita and I would have released them back into the wild. They lived under her house for a while and the paperboy would tell her about them "chasing him" every morning. We just laughed over this. They have not been seen for along time. But every now and then I will get a distant whiff of skunk and my heart feels with warmth and love and I think about My babies Fancy and Peanut. Secretly I want another.....
Posted at 07:43 am by Shalovee
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Sunday, December 05, 2004
I have readers from: Canada, Australia, United Kingdom, Austria, Finland, Poland, Belgium, France, Greece, India, Netherlands, Norway and the good ol U.S of A. Sadly, none from Japan. My boy wants me to have a reader from Japan, so in a pathetic attempt to get some Japanese hits from Google, I present this list. Wish me luck.
Japan, Japanese, Japanese food, Japanese clothes, Japanese girls, Japan, Geisha, Yamatake, Tokyo, Buddha,samrio, Japanese, sushi, samurai, samurai kung fu fighters, hung Chung, kung pow chicken, sake, how to drink sake, the sake box, rokio, made in Japan, Yoko Ono, Koi, Japanese see through skirts, sumo wrestling, karate, numchucks, samurai swords, thai chi, Buddhist, kimono, Hi hi puffy ami yumi. JAPAN.
If that don't work, I don't know what will. Posted at 12:14 pm by Shalovee
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