Monday, January 31, 2005
Re-runs are fun, aren't they? Yes they are. I mean, it's new to most of you, innit?
There are many circumstances that arise that try to keep me from cleaning my house. Today it was my bellybutton. This is a more serious problem then you think. I hear you rolling your eyes at me. Stop it. Don't judge me.
My navel is pierced, and it started to hurt me. So I take my ring out, do the soak and scrub, and reinsert. That is when the real trouble started. It really began to hurt. Every time I would sit down it will feel like I was ripping the damn thing out. I would fiddle with it, and the pain would go away. I would stand up and same thing happened. All day of working around little kids with my hands down my pants, twiddling the ring, finally got to me. I was afraid to sit, stand, or bend over. And I knew what I would come home to. A mess. A big festering mess.
So I came home, with my navel sending out shock waves of pain, and thought to myself-Self, you gotta do something. So I took the ring out again. That is when I found the problem. Seems when I screwed the jewel back on, I actually screwed it to my skin.
*blink*
I actually screwed the damned thing to MYSELF. The ripping pain I had felt all day, was in fact me ripping my bellybutton. How do I not dumb myself to death? Kinda reminds me of the time I did a little self surgery on my finger, but that story would only make me look bad. And I don't want to lose your respect.
Or attention.
So now I have a bloody hole where my bellybutton once stood. What to do? This house needed some attention. All the bending and stooping was going to be very uncomfy. Hmmmm.....what could I do? And then genius hit me!
And genius rarely ever does that to me. Dumb hits me up all the time, sure. But genius? Nuh huh.
So I got the rake, and I raked my house up. I shame me. Totally Hoboken of me, don't you think? I should be so far above this, but I am not. And so here I was, Raking all the stuff up into a big pile. Toys, books, clothes and hay. Yes, hay, because I live in that kind of house, all got raked into one big pile. I scooted the garbage can over, sat my ass down, and cleaned.
I do not know what this says about me, but I am sure it involves many words like eccentric, nutty, pathetic, and pitiful. I don't care. I think it was pure genius!
My animal room is clean, my kitchen is clean, order is restored. My belly button is on the mend, and once again sports a flashy, jeweled ring. Which is important. Plus I have this much (pinches fingers together smaller then a tear) pride in myself that when my bellybutton rose up to defeat me, I overcame it.
Even if it was with a rake and a garbage can. Posted at 07:07 am by Shalovee
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Sunday, January 23, 2005
Naked Chocolatey goodness
You know what I need? To get naked and soak in chocolate.
No, I am not kidding. Yes, I am dead serious.
See, I make bath salts. A lot of them. It is a little hobby of mine. I make all kinds. Minty baths, patchouli and cedar baths (mmmm my favorite-to which I wash with sandalwood soap. I am a child of the 70's. Oh yes I am) flowery kinds, Vanilla, rose, bayberry, Christmas tree...you name it. Once I made my friend Purdy a bath using every spice she had in her kitchen. It was full of clove, ginger, cinnamon, vanilla, pumpkin pie spice...a perfect cold winter
bath-no?
yes.
So I was remembering that in the bible when the mean ol king killed sweet
queen Vasti for not getting neked and parading around in front of people to
show how purty she was and all, and they gathered all the virgins together
and for a year and prepared them for him to pick his new bride and his
queen, one of the things they did was bathe the girls in spices.
*gasp* Jeez that was a long sentence. SD? You proud of me?
What? Right. Chocolate.
So I was thinking if it was good enough for the chicks in the bible (to
bathe in spices) why not me? So I started to think of all the spices I have
to soak in. Apple pie spices...pumpkin pie spices....and that got me
thinking of thanksgiving. mmmmm....and what is after thanksgiving? Hanukkah!
Woot! And what do you do during Hanukkah? Eat a truck load of chocolate!
Then I remember seeing a best of show where they featured spas. And they
have a spa in Hershey PA where they give chocolate baths. No kidding.
So I decided to make some and share it with two of my friends who could live
on chocolate alone. I never intended to make any for me during this batch.
But I did, and am I glad I did.
So for you disbelieving, here is the recipe and picture proof of this
fabulous thing you simply must try:
Mix in a big bowl:
one container of cocoa. (unsweetened, straight up baking cocoa powder)
a bunch of powdered milk. Yes, for real. Milk baths make you soft.
Rock salt. Like big chunky water softener salt.
glycerin. (optional, you only add that to make you soft, but the milk and
salt will do that)
Pour a hot bath. Add a bunch. Lots. Don't skimp. I mean, you are taking a
CHOCOLATE bath for goodness sakes. How often will you do that? I mean,
really.
Pour a hot chocolate, or for you drinkers you could mix a peppermint patty
and climb on in the chocolatey goodness.
Soak. Don't lick yourself. Because when you do, and you will, it is really
salty, not sweet like it smells.
There is one bad thing though. It leaves one mother of a ring in your tub.
Which I also took a picture of because if you must know the beautiful truth,
you must also learn the evil one.
And now you know. Doubters.
Pic#1 The Bath. See the capitol letters there? THE BATH...add dramatic music
here.
Pic #2 My skinny feetsies in the bath. See how chocolatey? See how skinny my
ankles?
Pic#3 The hella bath ring this bath leaves. Hella hella hella.
Sorry for the fuzziness. Seems steam and clear pictures don't go hand in hand. Posted at 10:27 am by Shalovee
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Sunday, January 16, 2005
In the spirit of it-is-just-better-to-get-it-off-your-chest I confess to you that:
After I found out you were screwing your secretary at work, I got even. Remember that "fudge" I sent to the office christmas party? Yeah, well I made it with my frozen left over breastmilk.
I made you a steaming cup of hot cocoa once with 8 squares of exlax added to it.
It was me that put the whole bottle of nair in your conditioner.
I have ran the litter box through my dishwasher, as well as my hair brush, tooth brush and pet dishes. But not at the same time.
Remember that time we both had the flu and you got well before I did, and all you wanted was tomato soup? You did not get tomato soup. What you got was a bowl full of catsup mixed with milk to make it creamy.
I was the one who stole from your piggy bank.
I have let you drink milk a day after it expired.
I lied when I said the salami on the pizza was beef.
I once used a spatula as a fly swatter.
It wasn't just orange juice.
It was me that would drink your home made booze and refill it up with water. But K and M showed me how.
The smell from the bathroom wasn't incense.
I have taken a personal cut from grandma's Christmas money.
I have said I missed you, when I was really glad to have a day to myself.
I once spit on my bosses sandwich. I also spit in a boyfriends dinner when he got up to pee.
I sometimes let you win.
I didn't just swipe your muscle massager because I had a cramp. And you really needed a new one. Sparks would shoot from it. I damn near set the covers on fire.
It was me that went dumpster diving with grandma and got you that cool alarm clock and radio, not Aunt A, like I said.
Remember that $10 you were missing out of your purse? Yep, that was me. Remember a week later when you found $10 in your car seat? Yeah, that was me too.
Now I feel better. Anyone else? Posted at 09:52 am by Shalovee
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Thursday, January 13, 2005
Rants, Rants, and more Rants
Look, dammit. You have taken a shower for many, many years. Get your own dad burn towel BEFORE you go into the bathroom. Ok? Is that so hard? It drives me insane. I don't stand naked, shivering, screaming YOUR name. All right? It is a little thing really. The linen closet is RIGHT BESIDE the bathroom. Damn.
While I am at it, when I say get dressed or I will be late, GET DRESSED. Ok? I need your help in the mornings. I can't do it all. Don't wait until I am walking out the door to remind me I need to sign this, check that, or sew a damned costum for school. If you fart around and waste time, you won't get breakfast at home. You know this. Whining you are starving to death as I walk out the door, only makes me want to punch your ass in the eye. And we don't want that-do we? No, we don't.
One more thing. If I say I am having a bad day. Believe me. Don't keep pestering me, asking dumb questions, and try to torture me. If I say I am in a bad mood, don't make me prove it. Because I will. And you will cry. So just don't call my name, and when I say what, say "nothing." Then do that 20 times. Because by the 20th time, you are getting creamed.
You have been warned. Posted at 04:38 pm by Shalovee
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Tuesday, January 04, 2005
A Most Interesting Site Indeed
A while back I was invited to author on this here blog by its owner, the esteemed Shalovee. So that the invite does not go to waste, I thought I would write at least a little something here. Here's a topic that has been blogged by the owner before, but stimulated my interest nonetheless.
Most bloggers have a site tracker of some sort, or register with a central tracking service, that tells them how much traffic their blog receives, which links from which sites sent the readers to the blog, and a myriad of other statistical ego-stroking information about average and peak hits that can be sliced, diced, folded, spindled, and mutilated by hour, day, month, year, decade!, etc. Some of these trackers are even known to be able to cut tin cans and nails and still slice tomatoes cleanly afterward. But that's another story.
Perhaps the most interesting statistic a tracker keeps is information about search engines that lead readers to the blog, more specifically, the keywords used for the searches!! Most major blog engines, including this one, allow blog information labeled "public" to be mined by popular search engines, such as google and yahoo. I won't bore the readers with the details; let's just say that all the words in the blog become fair game in a search. Pretty mundane stuff on the surface, but as most folks even remotely familiar with google know, it's usually the combination of words in a search that make for the weirdest results. With that said, here are a few of the more interesting search word combinations used to find this blog (cover your kids' eyes - or your own - if you are sensitive):
1. "dolly pardon in her sexy shoes" (yahoo) - this was a coincidence, because the searcher spelled "Parton" wrong and, as it turns out, so did the blog owner! I wracked my brain trying to imagine why Dolly Parton would show a hit for this blog. A minor reference? A one-off? As sad as it is, I only associate Dolly Parton with her assets, so to speak, so I was thinking this was used in one of the numerous references to boobs that permeate this blog. As it turns out, it had nothing to do with boobs at all (except indirectly, as I believe the owner was probably nekkid when the subject of the blog entry took place). Take a looksee: Salt, Chocolate, and Purdy
2. "cast" AND "crutches" AND "cock" AND "sex" (webferret) - hmmmm. I will assume the searcher or someone related had a recent accident and needed some advice about manuevering in - ahem - "that way" whilst burdened by medical support apparatus. And no, Shalovee, it was NOT me! "Cast" and "crutches" are obviously from the entry about daddy: My Dad "sex" is pretty ubiquitous and could have come from any of a half-dozen entries, but is perhaps most referenced in this one about bike riding: Riding a Bike. But where in the world was "cock" ever used? I know shalovee uses raw language on occasion, but i doubt I've ever heard this used by her. oh yeah, here we go: Farkalicious Totally innocent use of the word. Sorry, Webferret Charlie, no real information to be found on this blog! But feel free to browse. Or you could try one of the other entries in the results list, like "Talking Dirty to Guys on Crutches." Your choice.
3. "Butte Montana tits" (google) - see aforementioned reference to the permeation of boobs in this blog. Butte, Montana: Fourth of July !!!! See what happens when you take a perfectly innocent reference like Butte, Montana and add "tits" to it?! It lumps this blog in with such rarified search results as "Women Seeking Men in Montana," "Lesbian Appliance Guide, Volume I - Toys, Tools, & Tits (VHS)," and "Montana Swingers Online."
4. "son had to pee" (yahoo) - finally a really easy one. This must be another Shalovee classic: To Pee or Not to Pee
5. "little girls pee" (webcrawler) - peeing, of course, has been covered in the reference to 4 above. But again, the results pair a fun entry about little girls and slumber parties (Little Girls and Chocolate) with a bodily function. The pervert searching for this one also found rap lyrics that go, "Girls pee pee when they see me, Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee." Highly original and imaginative. I note that the search engine lists this blog as entry number 71 in the results list, so the searcher must have been highly committed to the topic to reach this site (and probably a little disappointed when he got here - no Nava-hoes to be found).
6. "girls peeing outdoors distance" (MSN) - see above. Sounds like an olympic contest of some kind. Just imagine Bob Costas: "Coming up next in the inaugural Women's Outdoor Distance Peeing Event, Shalovee, having already taken Gold in the Women's Overall Freestyle Hat Peeing Event, attempts to break the current world distance record and capture yet another Gold for the American squad. Stay tuned." <cue Olympic theme, torch shot, doves flying, fade to commerical>
7. "girls undressing" (yahoo) - okay, now I'm just plain worried about my friend here.
Hmmm. The above exercise actually provided a pretty good slice of Shalovee if someone is looking for some highlights of this blog. Or, you could use her "best-of" list to the left, you party pooper! If we didn't know any better and we only went by the search results above, we would now think this blog had way too much to do with girls and boys and peeing and such, and might even recommend our friend (or family member as the case may be) get some serious counseling. Or a spanking.
Now mind you, I do think my friend has a somewhat earthy and maybe unhealthy fascination with bodily functions (witness Stinking Revenge), but she is certainly not one of them there preverts I hear talked about. She is simply a person that writes what she feels with a humorous edge to it. She can't help it if the search engines link her words together from the far corners of the blog for nefarious results! So lay off her! At least she doesn't write about some of the other sick and twisted things I see out there, like gerbils and hamsters and orifices and such. Although when she realizes that I have gold-plated this authoring deal, and that she might now get traffic from people searching on those things as a result of the words I have used, she might ask me politely to never do her any favors again. And asking politely with Shalovee usually involves a boat paddle. And whacking. And asses.
-SD
Posted at 12:24 pm by supedaddy
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Monday, January 03, 2005
Posted at 06:53 am by Shalovee
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Friday, December 31, 2004
Well. New years eve.
I hope you all had a good 2004 and that 2005 is going to be way better. No matter how good it was last year, I hope the new one is better. Way, way better.
I am looking forward to it myself. I love new starts. Birthdays, first day of a new month, the brand new year, I feel the same about them all.
Freshness. Newness. Hope.
We all get a new year, unpolluted, like a chalkboard that has been wiped clean and we have all been handed a piece of brand spanking new, unbroken chalk.
Oh the possibilities! Here is to a happy, healthy, fantastic double aught five, peoples! See you on the next side.
Posted at 10:32 pm by Shalovee
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Monday, December 27, 2004
Today I was reading peoples 100 list. You know, where you tell people 100 things about you. I thought to myself; been there, done that. I wondered if I could do the same thing only using one word each. It took me awhile but I did. I made some of the words up, but so what. Who you going to tell? I think I should get extra points for the clever words.
So....did I leave any out?
1* sentimental.
2* serious
3* afraid
4* endearing
5* emotional
6* Sappy
7* alone
8* strong
9* boobalicious
10* happy
11* enigma
12* hurt
13* provocative
14* provoking
15*voluptuous
16* precious
17* Dishy
18* indomitable
19*potent
20*powerful
21*scrumptious
22*inexorable
23*vivacious
24*gaudy
25*inescapable
26*rough
27*heady
28*filthy
29*Sexy
30*salty
31*hedonic
32*inelegant
33*salacious
34*companionless
35*randy
36*unfrequented
37*risqué
38*Promised
39*disheartened
40*Wild
41*neglected
42*single
43*uncouth
44*Kind
45*cruel
46*lonesome
47*addicted
48*addicting
49*innocent
50*old
51*insatiable
52*Joyful
53*brave
54*depressed
55*adventuresome
56*hopeful
57*loverly
58*impish
59*rounded
60*beautiful
61*meek
62*assured
63*lofty
64*lonely
65*fearless
66*fiery
67*proud
68*healed
69*gorgeous
70*grand
71*glorious
72*memorable
73* animated
74*passionate
75*painful
76*overcome
77*renewed
78*unashamed
79*sparkling
80*fireball
81*inventive
82*real
83*ready
84*sentimental
85* fanciful
86*solid
87*caring
88* wise
89*survivor
90*round
91*tired
92*broke
93*want
94*wanton
95*dreamer
96*optimistic
97*faithful
98*admirable
99*friendly
100*alive Posted at 08:29 pm by Shalovee
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Friday, December 24, 2004
Oh man. I found the BEST show today ever. It blends two of my most favorite things. Forensic profiling and snooping. It is called House of clues, and it is FABULOUS. Two people go into a house and each snoop (oh how I love to snoop!) in three separate rooms with a professional forensic profiler. (Named Reef Karim, and boy! Does he bring the pretty to the show, or what? Yes he does.) They are trying to glean what kind of people live in the house and what their big issue is.
And boy, is it fascinating. You would think I would be more observant than I am about the world around me, liking some of the things that I do. But my observation tends to be with blinders on, while other people, say SD, are observant about the wide view. I would LOVE to do this show with my friend SD. The winner gets $1,500, so I would like to just hand that over immediately before going in, then go in and do it with him jointly. Because that? Equals way more fun!
How fun would it be to go into someone's home and look at all their stuff and try to figure out who lives there? Fun, right? Yeah, I know! I have always loved the forensic shows where they bring in a profiler who looks at the crime scene and can tell so much about who did the crime. Amazing. Innit?
To think that the things you have laying around say something about the kind of person who would own those things. And leave them where they are. What would someone say if they went through my house? Man. That is what I want to know. If they showed up right this very minute, and went through three rooms, would they guess who I am?
It would be obvious I am a single woman with kids who owns animals and I tend to not finish things. It would be obvious that I am crafty, yet have more things half finished, then done. It would be obvious I am cluttered and unkempt. And because those people go through the closets it would be obvious I am a big girl with a lower income. Uneducated. Unmaterialistic. In desperate need of a maid.
What else would they know? Would they see I am romantic? Scared? A dreamer? Imaginative? Willing? Smart? Eager? Hopeful? Hurt? Would they see I was Married and divorced? (rinse, then repeat as necessary) Would they see I am spiritual? Beautiful? Transformed? Would they see me as talented, or wasted? And what would they guess is my "pressing issue?" Lord a mercy, could they pick only one? Would they be glad to meet me when it was over, or look at me with contempt? Would they want to ask me things, or just be done and leave?
All these questions. What would my house say about me? Would it be accurate? Like I WANT my house orderly, it just isn't. I WANT it decorated, I just don't have the time, money, talent. I want tons of stuff that would reflect me more then what I actually DO have. I feel everything I have is more functional and not expressive. The only expression you will get is in the disorderly way in which it is displayed. Which, you know, that can't be accurate.
Can it? Posted at 06:41 pm by Shalovee
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Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Not your average holiday letter
Well I received my third Christmas card today. Third! Hee hee. Not bad for a chick who doesn't celebrate Christmas. So you know those letters people send out? Those smarmy "Phil got a raise and now leads his office and is the second highest paid paper pusher on the west coast. Primmy was just nominated for Rose princess (third year in a row!) and is engaged to an honest to goodness prince. A prince of a really small country, but still. Chip won the lottery and invested all his money in viagra, and his winnings doubled in size! I am doing just fine, lost the extra one pound I gained from all the eating of pies, cakes, fried everything I could find, and all that really yummy Irish cream I drank. Silly me to overindulge as I did, but with a little Deep breaths in and out, and some extra blinking, it came off just fine. Close one! I really hate to close this off now, but I must go pick the Beemer up from the custom shop, you know how Phil likes his toys tricked out! Happy holidays!
Yeah. Those holiday letters? I hate those letters. What is worse than a holiday letter like that, is a holiday blog entry like that. And They are ALWAYS so sappy sweet and full of joy and blessings. I want a real one dammit. I want to know how your year REALLY went.
Because of that, I would like to write my own. You know, if I celebrated festivities and ho ho ho and such. Which I don't. But if I did it would read as follows:
Happy dad burn holidays. Kids bigger, sassier, messier than ever. I am older, fatter, broker than usual. My dog stinks, my rabbits keeps eating holes in all my clothes, my cats have actually shed so much that I now have 6 cats. My house is messy, my car payments are twice as high as they should be. My beta husband has been extra jerkish, my lawn is over-grown, and I think my neighbors are selling drugs. My back is bad, my hips are worse, and my feet got really, really fat once. The bright spot was when I was given lasix and a hat to pee in and for three days it was like super science around here with my urine! Oh the joy! Some of you know about this already because I got a digital camera and took pictures of my fat feet journey, complete with a picture of the hat in the toilet. I am thorough. And I don't mind sharing. On a good note the nightmares have stopped. Well, I need to go now and pick up a food box so I can feed the screamers this holiday and swing by the pharmacy and refill my Prozac. Have a merry f*ing Christmas people.
But that wouldn't be completely truthful, because I didn't include all the other things that happened to me this year. Like all the days I get off from work because there is just not enough work for all the subs. Or how I am finally finding focus and balance in my life, even if in order to do it I had to be turned outside, inside, out and lose my favorite people. Or how I now have a grip, but I only have myself to grip to. Or how my peaches are fan-freaking-tabulous, but I am the only one shaking that tree. Or how I love myself to pieces, which is a damn good thing seeing how I do that pretty much alone. (except you T, and R, and you-yeah, you. You know who) Or how I may get the chance to do some nursing again. Or how my guy won survivor. Or how close my kids have become with me. Or how for 6 months I have had super powered, uber nifty broadband connection, making the internet an even greater place to be. Or how I wanted a blog hit from Japan and invented a genius plan and got one! Or how I finally caught up with the double zeros, man, and got a DVD player with which to watch star wars, and Barry Manilow on over and over again. Or that I have been making some really great, super jewelry lately that, for once in my life, looks like a big person made it, and not a 3rd grader's art project. Or how I have been able to sleep in to 9:30 everyday for the past 4 days or so. Or how orgasmic a digital camera can be for your creative, nerdy side. Or how I learned one day not too long ago just how de-yummy-lish a bath full of chocolate is. Real chocolate. For real chocolate. If you have not bathed in Chocolate, then you have not lived, man. And I mean it. (But just don't put any in your mouth dude, just sayin')
But if I added all that sappy happy crappy, then it would end up being just another holiday letter to people who hardly know me and don't really care. Right? And who needs just one more how-my-year-went holiday letter anyway?
Right?
Right. Posted at 02:26 pm by Shalovee
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