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Monday, May 09, 2005
Today after getting an HUGE amount of juice (I think it was battery acid) injected into my shoulder, I went to Costco to fill my scripts. While sitting in the chair a little old lady turned the corner with her extra large, hefty Costco shopping cart (filled to the brim) while looking the other way and ran it into my shoulder. She didn't exactly just run it into my shoulder, she actually felt resistance and backed it up to have another go at it. I think she rammed me three times.
This caused me a bit of anxiety because she is ramming this heavy cart into my newly injected with battery acid shoulder really hard. I was polite and shoved her cart away from me while politely screeching, and I quote: "ohhhhhh oooohhhhhh oohhhh oh oh!!!". To which she politely replied, "don't push my (very unladylike word) shopping cart!" I just stumbled to the window and asked them to expedite those painkillers ASAP.
Then I sit down again and breathe in and out carefully. Right about when I Lamazed my pain under control another little old lady did the EXACT SAME THING TO ME!! This time we both let out a unlady like word. At least she was kind and ran over to help and and grabbed ahold of, and vigorously massaged my shoulder as she appologized all over herself.
I just said "ayyye ayyyye yai yaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeeeooooo"
So I come home, fully loaded with painkillers and I have 40 mins to get my house ship shape. With speed that amazes me, I get my house just put into order when my landlords drive up. I pass their inspection. *whew*
Now I think I will lay down for a few before I hit the next thing on my list, which is getting my car to the dealership to surrender it. After of course I go to the grocery store and then turn in two Applications I am holding. Oh yes, and paying my water bill.
Man. I hate when life sucks. I know it is only for a short time. (I hope!) and it is driven home to me why I need to get into school in the fall, and stay there earning the best grades I can. I know that if my kids feel the pinch, and see me do something about it, then it only strengthens my teaching and their belief, that college is NOT AN OPTION. It is required. Because if all you ever do is all you have ever done, than all you will ever get is all you have ever got. That quote has always inspired me. Doesn't it just bring out the fighter in you? It does me.
Now I appologize to you for yet another piss poor blog entry and I promise to you all that this will be the last lame blog entry I make for awhile. I will write something funny, or snarky, or sentimental for you next time. I promise.
Posted at 03:51 pm by Shalovee
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Wednesday, May 04, 2005
I have several things I want to write about, but right now I want to focus on Jennifer Wilbanks, better known as the run away bride. This case amazes me, and what amazes me about it is the harsh, cruel, and judgemental way people have become about it. I feel danged sorry for this poor girl. She obviously was overwhelmed, she obviously felt like she was spinning out of control, and her family members have made it danged clear she isn't the kind of girl who would do this kind of thing. So why is America so delightfully crucifying this woman? Are we that bored?
I am shocked at people's judgement over the fiance standing by her. She is lucky to be surrounded by such love and forgiveness. Who out there has ever done something stupid deserving of forgiveness and was denied it? I myself have done something pretty major on the scale of seriousness and was forgiven and loved by all who were around me. It would have destroyed me to be shunned for my mistake. I don't understand why people think this man is stupid for extending his forgiveness and love toward Jennifer. He loves her, he is a Godly man, he KNOWS her (something none of us do,) takes all that into consideration and even still feels she is worthy of forgiveness. Why is this so interesting to people and hard for them to understand? Is America so jaded they don't understand love? Or forgiveness?
I am saddened that people want their pound of flesh from her. Yes, her calling 911 was stupid, and I understand that it cost money to search for her, but I can bet all I own that she was so wrapped around the Axel she wasn't thinking clearly when she did that. She was just trying to reach out. When you become overwhelmed you will do anything to get help. I don't think she set out to piss off America, it is just that America gleefully has its collective panties in a wad. And I have had it up to here with their callous snide remarks.
I have heard every clever, and I use the term loosely, remark about her looks, her smarts, her character, her morals, and the list goes on and on. What is so damned funny, America? Why is this girl the butt of your rude jokes? Have you never had your life spinning out of control and didn't know how to slow it down so you could breath? Well if you haven't, then shut your damned pie holes. Because it is a terrible place to be. And it can happen to perfectly sane, normal people. Nice people make mistakes too. And if her family and fiance' who know her and say she is a nice person, can forgive her, who the Sam hill are you to judge her and be so mean?
I want to punch America's ass in the eye.
And don't even get me started in the media! They have been all up in her stuff, invading her privacy, and being unbelievably cruel. Makes me ashamed I am going to start college in the fall to learn to be one of them. Well, let me assure you right now, I won't be one of THEM. Them who make up and lead the witch hunt against this poor gal, or any other Innocent poor thing who makes a face dive when the news runs slow. As if they all piss holy water or something and make no mistakes. When I am done punching America, I am going to start in on them.
Asshats. This whole thing just burns me up. Knock it off America! Let the poor girl and her family heal. Get your nose out of her business and shut your higher than thou judgmental mouths. And God forbid any of you have the same kind of thing happen, because what goes around comes around and I just know the boot of karma is going to stomp some of you flat.
Think on that, will you?
Posted at 08:09 pm by Shalovee
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Sunday, May 01, 2005
Why I love Mary Kay-In Pictures. Thursday, April 28, 2005
This:
Is why on earth you should never use this:
It says, and I quote:
Get a healthy looking (THAT is what healthy looks like?!?!) glow with Neutrogena instant Bronze sunless tanner and Bronzer in one.
The sheer bronzer provides a hint of temporary, (The joke here is of course the words "hint" and "temporary") natural (LIARS!) looking color immediately upon application, and allows you to see where you've applied it to eliminate the mistakes. (*cough*bullshit*cough* What you look like is that you are in full black face when you apply it.)
The sunless tanner develops a natural-looking, (if you call rings of white in the creases of your neck fat natural) golden tan-not streaky (uh huh) not orange.(According to my thorough research which included me opening a box of 64 crayons, this is actually called Burnt Orange) Developed especially for the face, the lightweight, non greasy lotion absorbs quickly and dries in less than 5 minutes.
What they don't tell you is this "temporarily" dries permanently. And all I have to say is thank God for Mary Kay. That and the knowledge that I am further educated in the fact that red-haired, white-skinned Irish Indians have no business trying to tan. No matter the method. Posted at 03:30 pm by Shalovee
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Sunday, April 24, 2005
Passover ROCKED this year. I love the festivals, and one day I will explain them to you but today I will just talk about last nights festival, Passover. (with pictures!)
We started preparations for this weeks and weeks ago. And by "we" I mean pretty much everyone but me. I missed many of the meeting due to sickness or injury, so when I did have my chance to dig in and help out, I paid it back in spades. My Niece-in-law had a vision last year for Passover but it was to close to the festival to pull it off, so this year we did it.
When you walked up to the front door you see those blue metallic curtain hanging over the doorway. A sign said you are now leaving Egypt. There was another paper that had the bible verse about Yahweh bringing the children to and through the red sea. You open the doors and walk through the curtain to find yourself in the parted sea. Walls of blue surround you and you can see the sea life in the water.
You follow it through and you come out into the desert. Two tents are set up along with the bible verses about how each family would set up tents. Right outside the tent was a bowl holding manna and manna spread on the ground. Of course, the bible verses talking about how Yahweh provided them Manna to eat.
If you turn around you see the rock with water coming out of it and the verse about Yahweh making water where there was none from a rock.
You follow another path to the ten commandments, the first being nicked on the corners where Moshe got righteously upset and broke them.
You follow the path further up the dessert and you enter the promised land. One both sides are two pillars I painted to look like bricks and from them hung two giant bunches of grapes (made with balloons!) with the verses talking about how plentiful the land was.
I painted a mural of the Jerusalem cityscape across one whole wall and there was where we set up the tables. We had 32 people come so we made one huge rectangle so we would all face each other as a family.
The tables were set with beautiful tables clothes bought from Israel. There was one seder plate per group of two or three. We even had for my dad the original shank bone we used for our first Seder 8 years ago or so. (Very sentimental. Just don't sniff it) And one pitcher of wine (AKA grape juice) per group as well. One dish of salt water, one dish of water to wash each other hands per group of two or three. The Sabbath candles were two round stone holders with a Jerusalem cityscape all the way around it, that or the wall all the way around. See picture and see if you can figure it out. Anyway, it was gorgeous.
On other walls we hung our Tambourines with the streamers we dance with, also our finger ribbons, and two stars of David made from grape branches. We had a large banner I painted that said Welcome to Jerusalem and had four dancers dancing with tambourines.
My Father (AKA The Silver Fox) is the ....I dunno...rabbi? That isn't quite right, because we aren't Jewish and it just sounds like we are being to uppity if we say that. Congregational leader is too much to say...Teaching elder. There. That's right. Well, every year he has written the haggadah. Now first we took a Jewish one and followed it. But we are not Jewish, we are Messianic-so the next year we tweaked it. For 5 years my dad wrote and re-wrote the haggadah until he felt it was fitting for our beliefs and family. He swore up and down he would never write another one, so help him God.
And so this year he completely wrote another one. (dork!) And it was by far the most Messianic one we have ever had. And it went from our first 5 hour Seder, to this years 2.5 hour one. People got there at 3 and hung around visiting, we started our Seder a tad after 4 and by 6:45 we were done. My son and daughter were completely devastated (Because them being the oldest kids in the family helped the most with the decorating, drawing, painting, coloring, cutting and gluing then other kids did. Mostly because of their age, and also because I am their mother and if I have something to do, by gum they are going to be helping me!) In 45 mins everything was ripped down. We saved nothing besides the fountain my brother in law (AKA The Biker. AKA the 11yr old trapped in a 28 yr. old body) made (from scratch he is so brilliant!!) The tent poles and fabric that made the tents, I kept one of the blue metallic curtains which now hangs in front of my bedroom, and the ten commandments. All the rest was ripped off the walls and thrown into the garbage. My son wanted a section of the Jerusalem I painted for his bedroom wall, but it kept ripping so it just got thrown away.
I sat there not really knowing how to feel about the ten hours of HARD labor that went into decorating the day before (My kids even skipped school to help turn My Niece in laws vision into a reality) being stuffed in garbage cans and the whole place being empty and clean in 45 mins.
It was the most beautiful and incredible Passover I have ever had. Now, let me explain one other thing. Years ago my sister Anita and I were trying to come up with ideas for a play for the children to do. After all, you do the festivals (also called Rehearsals) to teach the children. So we went to a store and we sat our butts right on the floor holding a bin of frogs when an idea came upon us. The idea was so brilliant we have done this every Passover since that one 4 or 5 years ago to varying degrees.
During the Seder you say the name of each plague Yahweh sent upon Egypt. When they do that, the kids (who are dressed from head to toe in black robes) "plague" the tables. The first is blood, and my son and I do this one. He holds up a clear glass bowl, and I pour clear clean water from a glass pitcher into the bowl and as it fills, it fills blood red. (oooohhhhh ahhhhh) I would tell you the trick behind it, but then I would have to kill you. Next is frogs....and we had 9 kids, each kid had a bag that says frogs, and they run around table to table and they throw onto the people and the tables all the frogs. Then flies, and they take the fly bag and pelt the heck out of everyone with flies...for lice we use rice, for darkness we turn off all lights, for hail we use a million (it seems) small balled up pieces of white paper. This turns into a huge paper fight every year. For boils we use red stickers and the kids cover peoples faces and arms with the boils. For locust we use little tiny plastic grasshoppers. And this year they were eerie because they looked so real. We have two cow costumes that the two little ones get into and when it is their time they walk around the tables stumbling while mooing, finally they drop dead somewhere. Lastly all the kids carry a baby doll and when the first born dies the kids walk around wailing and crying for their dead babies. This has even caused one to get really into it and cry for real and it has made more than one adult cry. (I am such a mush ball I am crying as I write this!)
And as fun and as cute as that is, and it IS cute, that isn't the point. The point is to overwhelm the tables and people with just how MUCH of this there was. And for the rest of the Seder you sit with flies and lice on your tables. There are frogs in the hand-washing water and stuff is everywhere. You drink your grape juice and sift the lice through your teeth. No one removes their boils. Dead babies lay on the floor. It is incredible and amazing. And massive. We don't just toss out a frog or two, we COVER the tables in them. And flies, and lice, and hail....
The first year we wanted it to be as real as possible so we thought about using frozen flies and crickets but figured it would be just our luck freezing doesn't kill them and half way through the Seder those suckers would come to life and crawl away. That was a little to real, even for us.
So there you go. It was decorated so beautifully, we had so much fun, the lesson was good, we ate ourselves stupid, we danced, we laughed, and I even cried walking Dan and Ann through the sea into the desert, I could hardly read the signs to them because I was boo-hooing so hard.
Because I am just a mushy sap that way. I hope everyone who celebrates had a Passover even half as great as ours, because then it would have been just fantastic.
Shalom to you all!
Posted at 04:34 pm by Shalovee
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Thursday, April 21, 2005
I did it! I finally did it!
Well, I went and pierced my nose. Oh Hippy Shalovee. What does it say about me?
 Posted at 10:33 pm by Shalovee
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Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Tzedakkah Rocks, and my family rocks harder!
Well danged if the Tzedakkah don't keep going and going! Yesterday I went to baby-sit for my sister Penelope (Also known as Heather Anita Penelope Purcell among the three year old crowd, as well as some wayward dryer mechanics) while her and "the Biker" (also Known as the 11 year old boy trapped in a 28 year old mans body) went on a bike trip. All day was spent doing some great crafts preparing for Passover coming up. My niece in law who is brilliant had a vision for the decorations at our Seder. When you walk in the door you are walking through the parted seas, with water on either side of you, and a cascade of metallic blue water. (the kids and I made tons of sea life and painted it all to go in the seas. How neat is that?!) Then you come out and walk through the desert where there will be camp sites set up with firelogs, tents, Birkenstocks and everything. (this Seder is in Oregon you know!) And as you continue around you end up in the promise land. I painted the Jerusalem cityscape mural yesterday that covers three walls and I don't like to brag, but it is the coolest looking thing I have seen in along time. There will be pillars covered in Ivy and giant grapes. (Which I painted the bricks for that too, just sayin.) It is going to be beautiful Seder and fan-freaking-tastic plagues the kids do!
Anyway, the children and I painted, drew, and told each other the story of the great exodus. We played music, we danced, we ran around and played a sufficient amount of grab ass. (I totally rock as an aunt) We spent 9 hours together having fun and messing up my sisters house. When The biker got home he told me to leave and Penelope would be calling me shortly. So I head home and my kids start feeling weird. They got butterflies in their tummies like something was going to happen. We get home and I open the door only to be hit with the smell of.....clean. This is DEFINETLY not the smell I left my house with. I left it with a blend of cat litter box mixed with fridge that has come to life, and a smidgen of sour milk But now my living room was clean and I said "what the HELL?!" and my two sisters jump out and shout "SURPRISE!!!"
All three of them (two sisters and a brother in law, AKA my pinch hitter husband) came to my house at dawn and spent 9 hours cleaning my house from top to bottom. This included the garage which was a hella sty. Seriously, there was no floor in there, and forget about parking the car in there! That hadn't happened in months and months. My dryer died 6 months ago so I wash things and hang them up along make shift clothes lines in my family room and turn fans on them. My garage was an obstacle course and you did not walk through it, you climbed over it. But they even tried to fix my dryer and when they couldn't they bought me a new one!! And it is up and running right now as we speak. Ahhhhh fresh clean and HOT laundry!
My garage is not messy anymore! It is empty and ordered! My sister had asked me a week or so ago if I was a keeper or a pitcher when cleaning. I told her when I got plowed under in the mess like I was, I would throw everything away. Which is what they did. They took 4 truck loads of stuff to the dump from my whole house. I don't even know what they threw out. They cleaned the living room, the family room, the hall, both bathrooms, the kitchen and dining room, and the master bedroom. I have two closets in my bed room and They went through and pitched everything in one closet that they knew didn't fit me and made it empty. Both closets were stuffed full of crap. I can't believe they made my house so clean! They mopped, they scrubbed, they buffed...They made my house shines like the top of the Chrysler building. And oh! It smells SO GOOD.
All part of the same Tzedakkah that mowed my lawn, bought my boy his lawn mower, also cleaned my house. And we are talking it took three people 9 hours of cleaning to clean my whole house. And my kids were amazed and said..."Wow! People really DO love us!" My daughter and son came in and sat down together and drew up a daily chore list on how to keep it clean and ordered. The even made a list for me on how to organize my stuff. Keeping my world clean and ordered is something I struggle to do. I just have a really hard time getting my house clean, and keeping it clean. It seems to get away from me before I realize it and every now and then, it gets away from me to the point that I feel plowed under and depressed and it literally takes someone coming over to help kick start it for me, then I can break through it and put order back into my world. It is an area I always felt I failed in. I am such a great mom, a great aunt, great sister, decent daughter (when I am not taking a fart machine to church,) but I could never make and keep order for long periods of time.
But such a gift this was! And when people look at you and give you gifts showing you they care about you, and love you, and without asking they reach in and provide the help you need so badly, it lifts your spirit and soul right up. Depression leaves you, hope fills you, and you are left with a can do attitude. My family rocks! My congregation really takes care of their flock and is a perfect example of not seeing someone struggle and wish them well, but roll up your sleeves and help them change their situation. That is what Christianity is all about right there. And I am super glad I belong to a family and congregation that gets that. They really, really get that. And I am so grateful this has happened for me and my kids, and taught them what it looks like when you walk your faith out.
To my family I say thank you so much! This will come back to you ten fold, I promise. I appreciate it all so very much. Posted at 07:51 am by Shalovee
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Thursday, April 14, 2005
Well I have had a lot of fun this week torturing my sister. At first I felt bad when she would cry, but then she grabbed my necklace to move it and I asked what she is doing and she said unsticking my necklace from my neck fat. So mercy off, man. Let her cry.
Why is she crying? Because I am spring cleaning her house for her. I am throwing out tons of old clothes that don't fit her babies anymore, and dumping bags and bags of broken toys. She is a packrat, and falls apart if you throw her stuff away. She would hang around "cleaning" but what she was really doing was unloading the bags I was filling. Once I kicked her out of the room, I would find her in the doorway with big tears in her eyes. At first this was hard for me to see her cry. But then she called my neck fat and it got A LOT easier. I mean, she is PAYING me to make her cry. What a wonderful world.
Her daughter Boo can be either the worlds sweetest child, or a complete demon child. This week she has been all up in my stuff with the hugs, the loves, and being all around adorable making it very hard for me to work and not just sit on the floor and eat her belly right up. I kinda feel bad that I bagged up 5 bags of both clothes and toys from her room.
So that is where I have been this week. Working at my sisters instead of blogging all day. By Sunday I should have some fantastic and new stuff to tell. I have been thinking all kinds of blogging topics for you guys such as telling the story about the time my dad butchered the rabbits one summer and caused an exodus second only to the Hebrews heading to the promise land by our stuffy lawyer neighbors.
Or the time my dad promised mom a ride in the Goodyear blimp, but screwed around (so my mom tells it) and didn't have enough time to go pick her up so he went without her and flew right over the house, and mom was so pissed she serves him only Peanut butter sandwiches whenever she sees a blimp to this very day.
Or maybe tell some of the ways is which I almost dumb myself to death, including but not limited to: my computer problems, my exercise machine problems, my work problems, my audible vegetable digestion problems, my clothing problems, and lets not forget my many electronic gadget problems.
Or how I realized one morning, to my complete horror, that I wash my face with my butt every morning.
Or the story of sneaking off down a secluded isle to play pinch and tickle with a boyfriend, only to turn to leave and notice a security camera pointed right at us.
Or do another list of confessions. Because yea, they are goodeth for the soul.
Or a rant because sometimes that feels even better.
Or list smells and what they make me think of.
Or the story of a mile stone in my sons life which is a bitter and sad one, not a good and creamy one.
Or talk about how my folks used to travel around with gypsies and sell stuff.
Or explain the festivals I celebrate and why I celebrate them, since this has been asked of me not once, but twice lately.
So let me know what you want to hear peoples. And be cheered because I may neglect you from time to time, but you are always knocking around there in the back of my brain.
Posted at 07:42 am by Shalovee
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Saturday, April 09, 2005
Spiders and why I am going to kill my boy
My boy, as we have already learned, is a twit. Plus eleven. So a MAJOR twit. But my goodness am I in love with his ornery butt. You see, in our belief system you become a man when you are thirteen. This is good. My boy has no male role model in my house. This is bad. However, since he is the coolest kid to walk the earth, his uncle has taken him under his wing. And the other day, he took his first step at becoming a little man. He got his first ever man tool. He got a lawnmower. He got this as tzdakkah from my congregation. Tzdakkah is a gift, or charity. And it feels a lot like Hanukkah only better, when it comes to you.
He and his uncle put it together and he learned how to use it. He told me I was not allowed to use his mower EVER. To which I say "oh-frickin-kay!" Every Friday he will mow the lawn. I am so happy. Because not only is this a growing experience for him, but he is picking up some slack that I simply cannot do. My back is so bad, and my yard is so big, I would be laid up a week. And to feel like I can place my trust in my boy and know it will get done right, makes me feel all good and wonderful.
Plus it makes me think that my congregation is way better than your congregation because not only did they buy The Boy the lawn mower, but they bought me two big huge men who spent all danged day here bushwhacking my yard, mowing, weeding, clipping, and hauling off tons of crap out of my yard until it is now a yard again instead of a rain forest. So they didn't just give me a fish, they put a pole in my boys hand. Neat-yeah? My congregation rocks! I mean, I bring a fart machine to church just last week and they STILL do all this for me.
So now my yard is mowed and it is spring in Oregon which means one thing. Spiders. Lots and lots of spiders. I am scared to death of spiders. I have an eleven year old boy. You know where this is going.
So my boy and his friend go out into the yard to catch spiders (why the HELL do boys do this?!?!) and I sit inside with that not-so-right feeling in the pit of my gut. Because my boy has done this before to me. He has caught some huge fanged beast, placed it in a mason jar and ran in to show me. Now I learned early to not betray myself and show fear because this is the fuel that ignites the hearts of little boys. Mommy fear. They live for it.
Now when he comes in to show me some half spider, half beast thing I tell him to stop and let me come over to him and peer inside the jar, I do not like it when he rushes over and shoves the jar under my nose. Because this pitches the spider around in the jar and pisses it off. And when it gets pissed off, all it sees is me, therefore I KNOW that it will burn with hate and seek revenge one night as I sleep. I KNOW spiders remember and seek revenge because once when my boy showed me a spider, I screamed and offended it. Later that night a spider that looked a hella lot like the one I offended hid in my bed covers waiting for me to slip into the bed and then IT TOUCHED ME!!! Can you imagine?! It caused me to almost beat the hell out of myself scrambling out of bed.
So after my boy had caught about 30 spiders and put them all in a bowl, (*shivers*) he decided to become evil and risk his one way ticket into heaven by doing the one thing he loves even more then light sabers, Darth Vader, and even black jellybeans. SCARING HIS MOTHER!!
So in the house he comes with a big plastic cup I can't see through, with that look on his face. If you have an eleven year old, you know that look. It is a total MOO HA HA Kinda look. It is the look that makes my blood turn to ice. And he says to me "Mom! Look at this HUGE SPIDER" and he picks up his step towards me. All I can think is "dude!! Slow down! Slow down! Don't thrust that thing at me and pitch it around in that cup, what if you pitch it out and it touches me?! Slow down!! Let me come to you...stop stop stop.....Oh holy God, RUN WOMAN........"
And I betray myself.
I scream and find my feet. My son is giggling and running after me. I hit the yard, I do a lap, I run inside, I lap the couch, I stop and throw things at him while screaming in a whole new language I invented right there on the spot, and I run again. I run up and over furniture, I run straight up walls, I am cursing and completely lost in that panic fear. I stop and face him and decide to play my trump card and speak the only language this kids knows. "So help me God you don't stop right now and I will take your allowance away for 4 months....."
And he is not stopping. And he is giggling. And he is pulling the cup back to....to what? OH MY GOD HE IS GOING TO THROW IT ON MEEEEEEEEEE.......
And here is where my mind literally breaks apart. One part of my mind is feeling total disbelief that my kid who came from me during 22 hours of labor and 45 mins of pushing and KNOWS I am scared of these things is actually going to throw one on me. No way can he do this thing he is doing. No way. The cup has got to be empty. He is kidding right? No way. I can't believe he would do that. I raised a good boy. No way. I mean, he is totally going to hell and all, but he is still kinda good-right?
The other part of my head is screaming over and over NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO....this may be the part that was actually controlling my mouth. I am not sure. This part of my brain is the part that controls body movement but it somehow became stuck on rapid arm flapping and High knee kicks. Although my feet were pumping harder then they have ever pumped, I am only standing in one place while doing this.
The other part of my brain is already planning what to do when this spider leaves that cup and flies through the air at me. Should it touch me, there is but one thing to do. Strip naked.
And that must have been the most dominant command my mind heard last because my boy flips the cup at me and out flies.......NOTHING. No matter. I am completely out of my head by now and screaming Get it off me!! GET IT OFFFFF ME!!!!!!!!
And I start shedding clothes. Off comes my sweatshirt. I fling it away from me. Off comes my T-shirt, I fling it away from me. Off comes my under shirt and I fling it away from me. I am now in my bra and reaching for my capris when my brain is screaming STOP! STOP! STOP! There is no spider!!! My boys face registers a holy-shit-this-is-better-than-I-ever-imagined look. I am able to stop myself, brakes squealing like a train that has suddenly decided a quick stop is in order. My pants manage to stay on. But just.
And I am panting, shaking, trying to wrap my mind around the fact that this FRUIT ON MY LOOMS did this to me. And he is giggling while shaking his hands out and doing little leaps in place at the excitement of this occasion. He literally lives for this and so help him, this was well worth any price he has to pay for doing it. Why would anyone ever do drugs to get high when there are MOTHERS?!
I just collected my clothes and go change my poopy underware.
I got dressed and sat down on the couch trying to calm and collect myself. He got me. He got me good. And although it was NOT FUNNY at the time, it is kinda funny looking back at it. I mean, these are the things I will remember fondly when he has grown and I am telling his kids about their daddy when he was their age-right?
I mean I can hang on to that comforting thought. That and the knowledge I am so totally going to pull out the pictures of my boy in the bath, in his underwear, playing dolls with his sister and show alllll his girlfriends when he is a teenager.
MOO HA HA! Posted at 01:27 pm by Shalovee
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Wednesday, April 06, 2005
new and improved 101 list.
Here is my 101 list. There are many new things here, so if you have read it before, you may want to read it again. Or not.
1) My middle name is Lea.
2) I have a big butt, but yay! I also have big boobs.
3) I am unmarried, and probably never will be again.
4)I have flown around the U.S. to meet online friends.
5) I used to trick or treat at Evil Kenevils house.
6) I have ridden on Evil's motorcycle.
7) I weigh too damned much.
8) I have sensitive teeth. (and feelings!)
9) I have one real enemy.
10) I live in chronic pain.
11) I love being center of attention and in the spot light.
12) I have 5 cats and one indoor bunny rabbit.
13) I peek in everyone's medicine chest.
14) I l am a glass half full kind of girl.
15) I have several scars on my body.
16) I am really good at causing accidents.
17 I love to dance.
18) I "fell in love" the first time when I was 7 years old to Barry Manilow. I love him to this day.
19) I pee in the shower.
20) I wish I could be a stay at home Mom.
21) I love forensic science.
22) I have only been in love one time. I thought I had been before, but that is before I really was and saw the difference.
23) I approve of who I am.
24) I can make myself dream things, and I remember them almost every night. In my dreams I am thin.
25) I have only had one partner in my whole life who ever pushed all the right buttons, pulled all the right levers, and could own me with only a look and whispering my name.
26) I love emergencies. I loved a "good code" while working in the hospital.
27) I am going to school in the fall for a journalism degree.
28) I have never personally known anyone with AIDS. Friends or family I mean.
29) I have held many peoples hand when they have died.
30) My sister is profoundly retarded. She is the 3rd oldest person still living in the U.S. with what she has. 98% of the boys don't live past one, 97% of the girls don't, my sister is 24.
31) I am brave, I am ambitious, and I amuse myself.
32) My eyes were blue when I was young, now they are blue/green with flecks of gold.
33) I think I am pretty.
34) I love all abandoned things...animals, children...you name it, except for dreams.
35) I used to be quite a dreamer with rose colored glasses but my last marriage shattered them.
36) I can be a clumsy doof.
37) I am known for humbling myself when I am wrong, I can admit it, say I am sorry, and mean it.
38) When I am done with someone, I am done with them. Except for one Him. Him I can't get over. If I live forever he will always be the one that got away.
39) I love warm, snuggle clothes, and toe socks.
40) My hair is natural, in both curl and color.
41) my Mom got drunk with Evil Kenevil.
42) I have been on tv for commercials.
43) I won a spelling B in 3rd grade. I look back and think, how freaking stupid were the other kids?!
44) I won a poetry contest and almost took number one in district.
45) I can count my satisfying sexual partners on one hand and not use all my fingers. I can't even use half of them.
46) My dad looked mighty good in his air force uniform.
47) My dad is brilliant.
48) We have two geniuses in my family and one borderline one. Then there's me. I can't even spell genius without spell check helping me out.
49) Love is a beautiful thing. I have experienced it only once. I mean where they love you back and the giving is equal to the getting.
50) I love hot bubble baths, my longest one being 3 1/2 hours. Two times. Once I watched Manilow interviews, once I watched 7 episodes of Blue's clue's.
51) I do not believe in ghosts or UFO's. I do believe in demons.
52) My family has beaten gigantic odds. My sisters baby is one in a billion, my sister Erin is one of the 2% that lives with what she has. I survived a rape and a walked away from a car crash that should have killed me.
53) I grew up fast because of my baby sister.
54) I can draw.
55) I can play piano by ear.
56) I was in 3rd grade before I learned there was no santa Clause. I never lied to my kids and told them there was a santa, toothfairy or easter bunny. I don't even celebrate those holidays anymore.
57) I write poetry and stories. All are true.
58) My biggest fans with my writing are not my family, but my online friends. SuperDave being my biggest fan of all.
59) I love to bathe the sick and dying.
60) my gift is teaching.
61) I have had my heart broken many times.
66) My 1st dog show was when I was 7. When the judge asked if my dog was male or female, I told him, "neither one mister, it's a collie" I took 5th place.
67) I was born with a hole in my heart.
68) I can't fart with my armpits, but I have taught others to do it.
69) I can learn a whole dance by just watching it done and turn around and teach it without ever actually dancing it first.
70) I read Steven Kings the shinning in one day.
71) I cry a lot-Commercials, movies, books...I love to get mushy.
72) unless it is about my pain, I can't cry like that for me.
73) I was delivered from the demon of fear.
74) My biggest fear is the kids dad might try to take the kids away from me. I would kill or die to keep that from happening.
75) My closest, best friend right now is a man I met a couple of years ago. I would do anything for him. God gives us good gifts sometimes.
76) I have been in one fight in my life. I won.
77) I beat her so bad she had bruises on the bottom of her feet and I thought I would kill her.
78) I now know if I was protecting someone I loved, I truly could kill someone.
79) I have made some really stupid decisions in my life.
80) my stomach can hurt when I think of one of them. I would rather die then make the same mistake again.
81) My children are beautiful, talented and well behaved. I am proud to know them.
82) I have never toyed with killing myself.
83) I am known as the sweet, giving, loving, and free spirited one in my family.
84) I am also known for not being a real brainiac. Which suits me fine. Gets me out of a load of work.
85) My family is tighter then any other family I know.
86) My family sets rules, makes programs, sets standards and changes what is broken in any situation we feel strongly about.
87) If you look in the New England journal of medicine and see what is written about Trisomy 18, my mother wrote that.
88) We have planted 2 churches.
89) I am structured, but unorganized.
90) My family has been in the papers many times.
91) I am proud of who I am, and who I belong to.
92) It is said of me that I have the moxy to do and say, what others just think about doing and saying.
93) I can sound like a bragging schmuck when I talk about myself or my family. And I don't care.
94) I don't think I am greater than anyone else.
95) But I do feel I am great.
96) I am a happy person. I love and I am loved.
97) There is one person whom will always own a large part of me. Thank God.
98) I am damn glad to be almost done with this list.
99) I wish smoking pot was legal.
100) I am scared of spiders and sharks.
101) I can keep secrets and I know I am a really good friend to those I love and whom love me. Posted at 10:08 am by Shalovee
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